I got to stop.

Just read CCS Manga vol. 6...the ending. It's practically a love story.

I gotta stop reading these kind of stories. I got to grow up. I got to mature. I got to let go of this. I got to stop reading love stories. I just have to.

Or else i might get myself a boyfriend this year.

I got to stop. I got to stay focus. I got to stand up and stop thinking about such things. I HAVE to get the point. I have to stop. I have to focus on my passion.

My passion for the youth.

I got to stay single. I have to be an example. Being an example ain't easy. But i have to. I got to live diffrently the way others do. I got to live up the way i should. I have high standards i know. I got to live beyond normal. I have to be simple & different at the same time. 

I got to keep my promise.

My promise, my commitment. Not to fall in love until I'm finish college.

I got to keep it. I made a promise, i will not break it with God's help.

7 O'clock in the morning

It's been 2 days or 3 that i've been waking up at 7am. I have no idea why i kept waking up at that time, when i was so tired and slept very late the previous night. I'd usually wake at 10 or 9. But no... This time i woke up at 7am consecutively.

For the past few days i've always been encountering a phrase that stuck to my head. "Be disciplined. Have a time for your quiet time. Stick to that time." I really didn't care about it but it was stuck in my head!~ Well...until today.

I woke up early again because of an asthma attack, i cant sleep back. So i puffed my medicine and i wasn't sleepy no more. I ate my breakfast, drank coffee and had a huge feeling to open my Bible. Then as i sat alone in my room, the verses that i've read 2 or 3 weeks ago, flashed before my thoughts.

Then God spoke to me. He said, "I miss you."

Man. Those words, i'm not even worthy enough to be missed by someone, but He did... God did... His grace and His love left me speechless and took me out of my condemnation spirit. 

God missed me, and i miss Him a lot too. He told me that He is always there, and He keeps His promise, as He promised in Genesis 9:8-14. He made a covenant with Man and the living creatures of the world that He will not kill all life with a flood again. The rainbow after the rain is His promise, His visible covenant.

The fact that i could still see a rainbow after the rain, only means one thing. He keeps His promise. So, i will stick to His promise, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Oh yeah, a month ago, i'd always read my Bible or just talk to God in my quiet time, and i'd do it every morning at 7am. I haven't been having my quiet time for weeks now, and He began waking me up at 7am because He knows i need Him. I'm actually lost in my life, i don't know what to do, i am so pessimistic. He knew i'd break down, but He won't let that happen. So He began to help me, just like a real Father would do...^_^

He misses me... Those words are enough to get me on my knees and pray and go back to Him...

Being an Example.

Yesterday i went with my sisters and my nephew for a vaccine shot. I hate injections & I've feared it for YEARS. I was actually amazed at myself that i wasn't scared( I believe God was with me at that time...^^) though when i got inside the clinic, my heart was pounding fast.

I tried to face my fears telling myself (Shi, you're eighteen! get a grip! be an example to your lil sis and nephew!) After that i relaxed for a moment knowing that i'd be last anyway.

NOT! bah! my nephew got scared and my older sis told me to go first! the horror... i never wanted to go first. Then she said "Come on be an example to the little ones, i need your help." Waaah. I was scared i tell ya. 

I sat on the clinic bed, not knowing how to react and made several faces to ease my fear. The doctor told me to not look at the injection. Man.... i saw it and it gave me HARD heart pumps...~_~

The moment the needle went pass my skin. It hurt. But it didn't hurt the way i thought it would. I said to myself 'whew...'. after some seconds the doctor started to push the needle, making the liquid go in my veins. Now, THAT HURT! ALOT! i bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry or scream coz my nephew and lil sis was watching me.

It hurt. It was painful. It was tough. But my world didn't end there.

God made me realize that life is like this. That needle is my problems. I think that once that problem goes into my life it'll hurt and crush me deeply to the point that i think it'll never pass away. But then that needle won't stay forever in my skin. It'll go out. It may hurt, but then the liquid(vaccine) that went in my body, will protect me from even painful diseases that could cause me to stay on a hospital bed.

Same as with my life. Any problem that goes in my life, maybe painful at first but deeply, it is a vaccine a wisdom that will help me and guide me to the right way in life. 

Being first, was tough. I had to feel the first 'OUCH' but then, it'll make it easier for the next ones to me.. because they saw that i could do it. My lil sis didn't even cry! haha i was so proud of her...

A golden nugget for today. "Being an example is not an easy task, but it'll make other people's lives a tad bit easier."

Making a Change

I was having my devotion and i just felt like reading a book; and apparently, God spoke to me through that book. "97" by justin lookadoo.

A certain chapter of the book says that I can make a change by simply being kind to others. Kindness is like a chain link.  His example was very nice:

"There's a kid in your school who's always eating alone, then you try and eat with him today. He says that you get lost, but deep inside he's having cartwheels, being very happy that someone is eating with him. Then as he went home, the dog whom he'd always throw rocks at, he gave him food instead. Then this dog followed him and apparently the kid adopted him. The kid had a grandfather who was lonely, the kid gave the dog to his grandfather and this gave excitement to the life of the old man."

The list goes on. One simple act of kindness can bring change in this dark evil world... The little acts, are actually the biggest acts in heaven's view.

I was expecting so much from myself, wanting to give huge gifts to other people, when a simple hand written letter is of much value to them. 

I proved this because i had a little brother in school whom i cared so much for. I've gave him a whole set of a manga series which i've loved and kept for years. I felt that if someone would give me a set like that, i'd jump for joy too! i wanted him to be happy so i gave it to him. Then i also wrote a letter for him.

I actually thought the manga series is the one that would make him so happy. I was wrong... It was the letter... He said

"Thanks Oneechan for the gift, but your letter is the best of all..."

I was suprised, and happy.

I don't really know how it impacted him, but the fact that he was happy made everything worthwhile...:)

This is how to make a change, by doing small deeds that turns into chain links and realizing that Huge deeds are actually in disguise as small deeds..^_^

I actually thank God for a friend... He made me realize that i was having too much expectations in life, that i don't live it to the fullest. He was frank, he was mean, but he made a change in me, that could also turn as a chain link to changing other people, to actually changing a whole nation.

Sounds impossible? 

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

It's Biblical. Therefore its the TRUTH.

Catching up.

I was reading a children's book about meditation, and a poem struck my heart...

The work that God assigned to us,

unimportant as it seems,

that makes our task outstanding

and brings reality to dreams.

So do not sit and idly wish

for wider, new dimensions

where you can put in practice

your many good intentions.

But at the spot God placed you

begin at once to do

the little things to brighten up

the lives surrounding you.

I've been so busy about my passion and heart for the youth of Japan, that i completely forgot of the youth around. Also busy about my emotions towards men. I realized that it is a choice to think about such things or not.

It's time to just stop thinking and to just do it. I have been confused for a long time now when faith is the only thing that could erase confusion, and also taking the risk of committing mistakes. I have lived the way I want recently and i want to live the way God does...

About the guy, i know someday i'll meet the perfect one for me..:) it's not the time to focus about it, all i need to focus on right now is my faith.

It's time to pick up the pace and catch up with the race that God has set before me... ^__^

Relationship.

(http://Xingz.deviantart.com/art/The-it-Couple-36033438)

I saw young couples around. I just know they weren't married for they look too young. I saw a lot of couples holding hands, Eating together, Hanging out, simply being together... Things like that, things what couples usually do. I find it cool, i was happy to see such happy couples. I  like the feeling of knowing and seeing people in love...:) They had a different aura, they had different eyes, both shouting "I'm Happy."

But somehow... I don't want to have something like that, or be like that. I want... I want something more than that. I want to have a relationship with my 'one' that is different from every relationship i have seen so far. I can't imagine myself going out with him on the mall only. It's as if we're only limited to that one mall, to walk and to hold hands... No... i want something more than that! I want it to be exciting and uniqe! I want to go to Japan with him and watch the cherry blossoms fall, and hold hands on a way that we sway it back and forth... Haha it's odd, but i could just imagine myself happy and dancing my steps, while he holds my hand tight and just walks straight and simple.

Someone whom I could be 'me'... Whom i can be cute & he finds it cute...I want a man whom i could do more extraordinary things than the normal that i see with couples.

Me and my friends had a great talk awhile ago, we were talking about our standards for guys... I said that i want my guy to be a japanese. They said it maybe hard because of the culture; but then, i grew up watching anime all my life, i got to know their culture through that... and not only that, i researched about their culture usually for my school papers... That's how my passion for the youth of Japan grew.

But then their culture says that men look down on women there, in their culture, women were there to serve men; but that's what i want... I want to serve my 'one' and a lot of women in Japan seems happy as wives too... So i believe it's not impossible to have a relationship with a person with a different culture... but yeah...

I want something different... I want a relationship that would shout "WOW"... I have kept myself as pure as i could and so far i have been successful and i am not just going to give it away just like that. I have standards and i didn't made them to not be followed; but then again, i hope that i will love my 'one' not an ideal but for who he is...

or maybe, just maybe, i could get both... To love my ideal, for who he really is... imperfect, as I am. For now, i will be the best woman i could be for my future one, and all i could really do now is wait for God's perfect timing and pray about my future 'one'...

To be honest, i've been praying for him since i was 13 ^_~

Changing the World?

I have this dream; and i dream to make a difference, to make a change in this world.

I have a heart for the youth in Japan and Hong Kong. I want to reach out to them. I have a passion for them. Though I am stuck here in my country for now and i can't do anything about it and i am not doing anything about it but plainly waiting.

It's like lying down under a tree and waiting for the apple to fall in my mouth. That's how i am right now. Just imagine if I'd rather stand up and pick up that apple from the tree with a will, no matter how high it is, I'd get it more faster. Just like in my dream, I'm not doing anything now, so it'll take me YEARS before i can reach my dream.

I was at the verge of being crazy of doing nothing and waiting, then someone who was full of wisdom asked me, "How can you change another nation, if you can't even change your own nation?" another question was followed by it, " How can you help the youth from Japan or Hong Kong, if you can't even help the youth around you everyday?"

That realy struck me right through my heart. I can't believe it, I'm dreaming of something i would never accomplish by waiting. I have a dream and i can only make it come true by placing my dream on where i am right now first.

So... I tried it today, i tried to see the needs of the youth in our gathering. I left my circle of friends for today and mixed with the ones i don't know much of.

I got to talk to them, i got to know them; and well...In the end, i was actually shocked. Shocked that the youth around me, has SERIOUS problems and i never had any idea about it.

I simply said, "If you have a problem and needs to talk about something, I'm here."

Immediately, she opened up... Tears fell from her eyes like crazy. From a joyful spirit, now i see a crushed and afraid spirit. I can't believe it. I've been blind. I didn't see the need. I wasn't there when she needed me, i was late.

I wanted to cry... All these years i've been blind. I had a heart for the youth in those nations coz i do believe all they need was someone that would listen to them, who'd hear out their problems and heartaches. Just to realize that its exactly the same with the youth in MY nation...

God, opened my eyes. He revealed the need. He revealed it to me but i didn't respond the right way. I saw the need, i faced it, i aided it. What's wtong about that? I responded to the need MY way, when it was suppose to be HIS way...

When the girl was sharing to me, all i could think of was what how to give a 'mature' statement or an 'inspiring' response. I would always respnd to her, "I know what you mean, you're scared..etc ect.." Then she'd answer, "No, its not that..." she said that 5 times or even more... It's only now that i realized that i wasn't listening... I was only hearing.

I was thinking of what good thing i could give her, when all she needed was someone to listen. I failed to listen, coz i wanted to respond in a "Godly Way" when in reality i should respond in "God's Way"...

Making a change in Japan and Hong Kong? That's baloney, that's trash, that's nonsense... Unless, i make a change in my OWN nation first and i know for sure I'd be able to reach those nations.

Just as the saying goes, "Change starts at Home."

Nakatsu

Recently I became a fan of Ikuta Toma because of his character Nakatsu in the series Hana Kimi. Here's a photo of him:

I really love how he portrayed his character here. To tell you honestly, when i like an actor, i really LIKE them to the maximum level... but somehow, this time it was different. It all began when i realized ALL my friends is a huge fan of him too.

For some odd reason, it passed through my mind, "Ikuta Toma is famous around a lot of girls... if the girls who like or dream of being with him, will ever reach him... what would happen?" What if there was this girl who flew all the way to Japan just to meet or give a homemade gift to Ikuta Toma on a concert for just a day and to just know that she is also surrounded by huge fans of him as well? Will Ikuta Toma know her in any way? Of course not. He won't even know that she flew all the way just to meet him, what she went through, all the money she saved up, all the effort on that gift. Will Ikuta Toma be able to even appreciate or say "Thanks"?

No. Ofcourse not.

Then why in the world would a girl even do this? Well... I would do it. But at some point, i believe it is useless. And if for some miracleously way we do get to know each other, would i accept him for who he is? Or would i see him as only an ideal?

I can't imagine. I wonder how he'd feel. How he would find his perfect one. Maybe an old friend? or a close friend?... But how about the new friends? What if he falls for a new friend, and somehow that new friend only sees him as an ideal?... It's really sad...

Being famous as an actor/actress isn't as amazing as i thought it could be. It's not as happy as i thought it could be. It's actually different, challenging, and tough.

I wonder where Ikuta Toma is right now. I wonder how he's facing his life. I wonder if he's lonely or he's having a great time. I wonder... who he really is, coz i could only see his mask, his outer core, for i only know him by face and by the character he portrays.

Being a fan, being able to see him face to face would be a dream come true, if i see and get to say something to him, i'd say, or rather ask..."How's your life? Do you ever get to talk about it with someone?"

I just really wonder... and if ever I could send a 'love' letter to Ikuta Toma, this is what i'd say:

Hey Nakatsu!,

Ikuta Toma, the best character you portrayed so far is Nakatsu. He is so
full of life and he's so honest. I wonder, if you're like that. For
i have fallen with that character you portrayed; is that your outer
shell only? or is that a part of it the real you? Coz if it is, i believe i
have fallen for you.

It must've been tough on you, looking for the girl to live with all your
life. Will you be like the other actors? Who'd marry a lot of women just because
they couldn't find the 'one' for them? Or would you be different and prove that
your a man who'd marry only one woman?

Though in your stand, i couldn't explain the difficulty, coz i have never
been on where you're standing. Being an actor infront of the camera,
and living in reality behind the camera. Must've been tough but amazingly
exciting as well... ^_^

Someday I might feel the way you felt by standing on your stand, but i do
believe at that time you'd find your special one or you'd be way gone away from
my thoughts; but one thing i would never forget about being a fan of yours... Is
loving someone not as an "ideal" but as who he is.

Thanks, You've just touched my life and have been a blessing to
me...^_^ You've taught me a very valuable lesson ^_~

Shiriel

Odd it may seem; but hey, i want to express how i am feeling right now...:) I do hope someday, i'd find my 'Nakatsu' ... no wait... wrong... i do hope that someday, i'd find my "one" ^_^

Tough Love.

Recently i have been very emotional..O_O I've been asking a friend of mine some random questions about what guys think of girls... and i think my reason for that is... I think i'm looking for someone.

I know sometime this year this feeling will disappear; but what i don't like about this is... I always tend to like guys who are actors!xD they're very unreachable! So i asked myself why...

I realize that its because of the character that they present... I realize that i really DO like Japanese guys... It's something with the way they express themselves...:) I met several Japanese people and i just love the way they act...

The type of guy that i like isn't found in our culture... and i think its because of the huge influence of anime in my life! haha..x3

But i cannot predict my future... but i do know that i could pray for my future... I want to be the best woman for my man...

Some people are against my liking of Japanese people... Coz they say in their culture, Japanese men look down on women... but then i do believe there are still pairs out there who are happy despite the culture... I am so confused though O_o...

I'll just know about it someday... I need 2 intercultural exchange subject on my course and i chose Japan, Tokyo. So i will see how men really act on that place and maybe, just maybe... My mind will change... but i am not so sure myself ^^;;

Being a girl is soooo tough! So many things to do and care with the physical appearance... so many pressure about the figure. So many things to choose from! To be shy or confident. To be silent or noisy! To be soft or harsh... I don't know anymore..~

If ever your reading this entry now... could you please give your comment on 'Japanese'?.. What do you think of their culture?