I appreciate it, but no.

A poem for someone who confessed to me lately...>_<

A friend i met in a short while,

Confessions of feelings you let go.

I appreciate it much, i really do.

but I'm sorry I don't feel the same way.

Everything went just so fast,

I enjoyed the blooming of our friendship;

But because of such a thing you did,

the blooming somewhat came to a pause.

You're a great man, inspired me deep inside,

You're passion for music is just so grand.

Please focus on the talent God has given you,

For surely i know God will use you mightily.

Please, from the bottom of my heart,

set your eyes on the path God has given you,

A destiny only you can finish,

A responsibility meant to be handled.

Let's just be friends for now,

Friends without any expectations,

Pure and holy in the eyes of God,

that He may bless our friendship greatly.

Right now studying I am in love with,

Being single is what i yearn as of now,

No commitments, no disturbances,

My eyes and heart is looking straight into God's plan.

At times, I admit, I long for a companion,

but its those times into which I choose,

Choose to focus on becoming a better woman,

For the prince that is unknown to me for now.

Please, I pray, do the same,

Be the best man you can be,

for the future princess you want to attain.

I know you can do it, believe it so.

For now, I may look like the princess you long,

but know me first for we will never know.

Feelings are fast to develop,

but wisdom is a must to be learned.

Think, pray about it,

you might be making a wrong choice,

choose beyond your feelings,

Learn and open you heart.

You're a great man i admit,

but you can become the best.

Hold unto God's hands first,

let me go and you'll see what i mean.

Mary, or Martha?

I've always compared myself to Mary or Martha,

I've always knew that I am more of a Martha,

I thought i could only use this analogy with ministries,

But no... It can also be used with relationships.

Imagine, me getting married with having a Martha only,

Who gives much importance to work,

Less with listening and sitting on a cozy night with him,

Who'd rather cook an amazing dinner and not eat together.

Imagine, doing laundry for the sake of cleaning for him,

Forgetting to appreciate how he actually looks in those clothes.

Imagine, Cooking long hard worked, professional, scrumptious meals,

Forgetting to enjoy the meal, I've worked hard for him, with him.

Imagine, buying creative expensive unique gifts for him, 

Forgetting that a simple long chat in a coffee shop is so much better.

Imagine, studying in a school of the "how to's" of a married life,

Forgetting that finding out about it together is much more better.

Imagine, working my butt off just to impress him with my skills,

Forgetting that my support and attention is what he needs best.

Imagine, working hard on a surprise birthday party for him with hundreds of visitors,

Forgetting to actually give time for him on his special day.

Imagine, making the house clean to make him feel comfortable,

Forgetting that what he needs is my touch, my attention, my love.

Imagine, serving God in church with a different ministry as his,

Forgetting that i should be beside him with his ministry.

Forgetting that my ministry is to be there in his side,

Through thick and thin, I should be there to encourage him,

Forgetting that i wasn't made to work for him,

but to listen, encourage and to make him smile in tough times.

I want to learn how to be a Mary, before i even meet him.

A Martha heart is what i have, and must change in priority.

For the man who has a heart of a Jesus deep within,

Yearns for a woman who has a heart of a Mary.

Boys?

Right now, i don't want any guys to interfere in my dreams, i don't want anyone to court me, nor even express their feelings to me! o.o

I want to focus on God's calling for me, i don't want to lose my momentum, i don't want to find my worth in man's eyes but in God's. I have so much to learn, and i want to learn it with God alone. No man is accepted in my heart for now, it is not yet my time and i don't want to fall into any temptation.

I know there are times that i do want to have a special someone, but i always end up fighting against it coz its not yet my time..

Right now, i do have my eyes on someone, but i cannot imagine myself to be with him for a lifetime...:) i guess its a woman's nature to like the opposite gender indefinitely until the time she gets married. 

This guy i've known since the day i transferred here in davao, and had been a huge help to me and an awesome friend. :) He did become my school mate and org. mate...:D till now, he's my crush, but it won't go any further. I want to stay liking him, coz i know its safe, for he likes someone else..:D it'll keep me single and not focused on him nor to any relationships.

Boys? I like them, i can't live without having someone, but for now, it's just not the time, coz if he'll enter my life now, surely my dreams will be crushed into pieces.

Relationship.

(http://Xingz.deviantart.com/art/The-it-Couple-36033438)

I saw young couples around. I just know they weren't married for they look too young. I saw a lot of couples holding hands, Eating together, Hanging out, simply being together... Things like that, things what couples usually do. I find it cool, i was happy to see such happy couples. I  like the feeling of knowing and seeing people in love...:) They had a different aura, they had different eyes, both shouting "I'm Happy."

But somehow... I don't want to have something like that, or be like that. I want... I want something more than that. I want to have a relationship with my 'one' that is different from every relationship i have seen so far. I can't imagine myself going out with him on the mall only. It's as if we're only limited to that one mall, to walk and to hold hands... No... i want something more than that! I want it to be exciting and uniqe! I want to go to Japan with him and watch the cherry blossoms fall, and hold hands on a way that we sway it back and forth... Haha it's odd, but i could just imagine myself happy and dancing my steps, while he holds my hand tight and just walks straight and simple.

Someone whom I could be 'me'... Whom i can be cute & he finds it cute...I want a man whom i could do more extraordinary things than the normal that i see with couples.

Me and my friends had a great talk awhile ago, we were talking about our standards for guys... I said that i want my guy to be a japanese. They said it maybe hard because of the culture; but then, i grew up watching anime all my life, i got to know their culture through that... and not only that, i researched about their culture usually for my school papers... That's how my passion for the youth of Japan grew.

But then their culture says that men look down on women there, in their culture, women were there to serve men; but that's what i want... I want to serve my 'one' and a lot of women in Japan seems happy as wives too... So i believe it's not impossible to have a relationship with a person with a different culture... but yeah...

I want something different... I want a relationship that would shout "WOW"... I have kept myself as pure as i could and so far i have been successful and i am not just going to give it away just like that. I have standards and i didn't made them to not be followed; but then again, i hope that i will love my 'one' not an ideal but for who he is...

or maybe, just maybe, i could get both... To love my ideal, for who he really is... imperfect, as I am. For now, i will be the best woman i could be for my future one, and all i could really do now is wait for God's perfect timing and pray about my future 'one'...

To be honest, i've been praying for him since i was 13 ^_~

Prayer...

"Lord, I know you're there..."

These are the first words that i would usually utter when i need God... When i am at a situation that i need someone to save me, when i'm in a situation where i just want to disppear or be invinsible...

Lately i had emotional attacks... I was having dilemmas concerning friendship and family. I was actually in the verge of breaking down. I wanted to disappear and just be invinsible. I actually did it awhile go while i was in church. I wasn't really minding people that much and i didn't talk to my churchmates. I was pretending to be "invinsible."

I was really thinking deeply what's wrong with me, i realized that its because of my emotions... I miss my friends so much from manila and i just wanted my old life back. I needed my friends whom i had been with since i was born. My childhood friends who knows me inside and out... I deeply was in need of them. I was actually questioning God already...

"If you have a purpose for me here, why do still make me miss them?"

"Why did i have to go on my last year of highschool?!"

"I can't take this anymore, why are you making me feel this way?..."

"Is this part of your Will that i suffer emotionally?"

"I thought you'll help me, why can't i let go until now?!"

Questions such as these was haunting my mind recently... and well today was the day i was about to breakdown. Break down as in going back to my 'rebellious' self... but then... God didn't let that happen. He reminded me of one of my devotions with Him that i was supposed to watch the movie "Prince of Egypt" an animation based in the life of Moses. My devotion at theat time was about great faith...

So i watched despite my arrogant prideful attitude.

As i watched the movie, one situation that really struck me was, when Moses had to follow God and turn away from Ramses, his brother, the Pharaoh.

When i watched that scene before, i'd always be in tears inside my heart. Moses had that palace as a home before, he was with his brother he was playing with Ramses all his life. They both got into trouble, they had tears and smiles at that place. Moses was taken care of in that place with great love, he was the Prince of Egypt. Moses and Ramses would have fun on the rooms of that palace, or even play hide and seek in that place, they all ate together in that palace... What I'm trying to say is... Moses grew up in that palace, his memories with Ramses was carved in his heart and then in the end, he had to turn away from Ramses. He had to turn away from that 'home' that he once had...no... he didn't turn away, he destroyed it.

When Ramses' son died, he let Moses and his people go; and the scene that really struck me was... When Moses fell on the floor of that palace. He fell on his knees, crying his heart out.

I could imagine the pain he was going through at that time. Remembering all the memories all the tears and laughter, all the love... He was going through such pain. It was against his emotions to do those things to Ramses, his brother...his bestfriend, but he chose to follow the Will of God rather than ease his emotions.

He chose to follow God and bring restoration and healing to his people, and for the coming generations. He chose to follow God rather than follow his emotions. He let go of one important person in his life and it brought joy to millions of people. He chose not to be dictated by his emotions but rather placed his full faith in God even if it brought him great pain and suffering.

But in the end, despite the great pain and suffering he received, God blessed his entire life and his people. It was a short pain that gave him an ever lasting joy.

I can relate to Moses in such a way. I left manila, i left my friends, i left my dreams there, i left a part of me in there. And just like Moses when i transffered here in Davao, I am a new person, at first people didn't like or didn't know me, but now i have a lot of friends here. They may not be as deep as i had in manila, but then again, God brought me here and i do believe He has a great purpose for me...

Even if i am suffering deep inside, even if i have so much pain in my heart, all i could hold onto now is His promise to me. "That He has a great purpose for my life"....

I've been praying for God to release my heart from my friends in Manila. I was wondering why He wasn't answering my prayer, but i remembered that the Hebrews were praying for their freedom for YEARS and i mean years. Hope was taken away from their hearts, and yet, God didn't forget them, Moses had a purpose.

"Pharaoh can take your shelter, your food, He can even take your children, your freedom, and in a snap he could take your very life... but one thing he cannot take away from you, is your faith."

Its not the exact words, but this phrase that Moses said, really spoke into my heart. Right now my Pharaoh is my emotions... my circumstance, my problems. I have no idea how to fix them! and honestly, its hopeless for me. I want to give up, i want to run away, but there is no way out. All i have right now with me, is my faith. My faith, my prayers....

God hasn't answered my prayers concerning of my letting go of my friends, but i do know that he hears me. I mean i've been praying for my unbeliever friends! and slowly they are accepting Christ in their hearts one by one...

Just now, i thought, if i was manila would i be able to share the gospel to these people? Whom God loves so much?... would i even be able to open my mouth to evangelize for God?! I don't think so... Now i could really see that God has a purpose for me in this place after all.

I have the power to go back to manila and be with my friends there and live the way I want to live and be released from this pain, but i'd rather be like Moses and put my emotions behind me and look at the greater purpose God has given me.

It hurts, it is still making me suffer, i don't know if i'll ever get over this, but one thing i am sure of, my faith is in God and He will NEVER let me down...^_^