Saturday, August 2, 2008

I need...

It’s funny how sometimes you don’t know what to do anymore. Everything seems to go wrong. No matter how much you look at the positive side, the negative still reigns…


I just don’t know what to do, I know God is there, but there’s so much in my mind, so much hindrances, so much distractions that I couldn’t hear Him, nor feel Him… I hate this feeling, this feeling of failing at everything.


I have been in this situation for a long time now. Actually ever since I went back home. I feel a deep longing, I feel insecure… I practically feel lost. Everything I do, seems to be wrong. Everything I try to achieve goes flat to disappointments.


I try to fight back, but I am just not strong enough. I can’t do anything right anymore. I left my manners somewhere, I lost my smile, I misplaced my responsibility, I hid my politeness somewhere, I dropped my integrity… I practically lost a lot of things.


Is this what they call change?  Why is it so hard? This change that they talk about, it’s so hard to adjust in. Leaving my comfort behind me; and straining to some unknown future. Change… Why is life bending to you?


Change is becoming too constant in my life. Everything I am, everything I do, is changing. I’m growing up, but my heart disapproves. Deep within I want to be a kid, but the world cannot see me as one anymore. Taking me for granted, lying to me, seducing me, pulls me to a dark place, offering me a drugged drink, these are some things the world offers me that a kid would definitely take because of its innocence.


But Someone out there is protecting me, telling me to grow up to be an adult, to survive this dark place they call reality. A kid at heart I maybe, but on the outer core I must show a matured lady.


All through this changes, these letting go of things, this growing up; This vague future I have, this unknown path I will take, I need one thing, one important thing.


I need a friend.


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