Monday, November 24, 2008

One of Those Days...

One of those days.

It's one of those days,

where I think of the weirdest things,

My time of slacking around,

and imagining a different kind of life.

It's one of those days...

Where I think that if i was a boy,

I would surely be a handsome one,

Being the prince of a lady in distress,

And rescuing her from her boring life.

It's one of those days...

Where I think if i was a pig,

I would surely have a cute little nose,

oinking with a different tone,

That would surely give a smile to another pig.

It's one of those days...

Where I think if i had my own home,

I'd paint it black and white,

Furnish it with my homemade designs,

And finishing it with my little handmade sculptures.

It's one of those days...

Where I think if i was a teacher,

I would surely inspire my students,

Help them even outside school,

And listen to their pains and joys.

It's one of those days...

Where I imagine if i was a mother,

I'd surely hug and kiss my child like no other,

Showering it with love and tenderness,

Raising my child in God's likeness.

It's one of those days...

Where I imagine if i was a millionaire,

I'd shower my money to our youth ministry,

Giving tons of gifts to homeless children,

And buy my mother her own dream home.

It's one of those days...

Where I think that if i was a famous singer,

I'd sing with gentleness and love,

To relax the listeners and give them a soft touch,

And be able to listen to the voice of God.

It's one of those days...

Where I thank God for creating me the way I am,

and that however God could've created me,

I'd still be the best person i could be,

For God is in me and that's gives out the best in me...

Anywhere, Anytime, Whatever i could've been.

Make it a boy, a pig, teacher, mother, singer, millionaire...

The best of me would still come out,

For my identity is not based on man's opinions,

but it is based on the Word of God, God's amazing love.

Now i see

Now i see.

Things are changing vastly in my life,

My point of view towards life is different from before,

I can see things in a better light now,

I never seem to loose hope, even in hopeless situations.

Now i see.

My life is and will never be the same again,

I am slowly nearing my destiny for God,

His calling I am slowly grasping,

My future unseen yet perfectly planned.

Now i see.

I have to let go of a lot of things,

Things i love i must offer up,

Things that was once important,

Must be given away and shared.

Now i see.

My passion is burning up like fire,

Wanting to burst out in great Joy,

Unprepared but ready to charge,

All for the Glory of God alone.

Now i see.

That i must give my whole life to Him.

My own desires, dreams & decisions,

And open my heart to His bigger plans,

Everything in His perfect time.

Now i see.

He must be on top of every list,

Higher that Him, i must dispose,

To not get distracted by any other thing,

Time to let go of everything.

Now i see.

He's the center of my heart, my life,

My hope, faith and life in His hands i lay down,

Trust and Patience must i learn wholeheartedly,

Doubt and condemnation erased forever.

Now i see.

Clearly that I am called by God,

Every Human being actually is,

It's a matter of laying down our own life,

and carry the cross to where He wants me to go.

Now i see.

I must have a more intimate relationship with Him,

Reading out the Bible audibly from the Heart,

Praying without doubt but faith and honor,

Spending more time with Him without looking at the clock.

Now i see.

My life is beginning to unfold,

My whole being created to glorify Him,

Grace and Love from Him i don't deserve,

Yet gave it to me with no return.

Now i see, Everything is about Loving God. :)

Friday, October 31, 2008

Broken Pieces

It's really funny how i could learn from a 4 yr old nephew.

I had this belt design that got broken, it was a little thin flat copper ring. He was playing with it, then he gave it to me and i asked him if he still needs it... He said no, so i broke it into two, coz it was broken anyways.

Then his eyes widened and said to "Oh no! it's broken..." Then i said it was already broken... then it was funny that he ignored what i said and he said, "Sticky tape!" and he was so focused on trying to put it together...

Right now he's actually putting scotch tape on the broken ring. He's really busy and dedicated to fix it. He actually covered it with scotch tape! it's actually so cute! he said, "Yahay! it's fixed already..." with a huge smile on his face.

Why do i find it so inspiring?

His innocence, is what I need as a Christian. Being an adult, i usually think, 'Broken things should be in the trash' but my nephew being a kid thinks, 'It still can be fixed with sticky tape!'.

Its as if i said, "Broken people, with broken pasts should be left alone.", and its as if my nephew said, "Broken people, with broken lives should never be left alone, and should be fixed with great love."

I believed that copper ring had no hope of getting fixed, but my nephew thought the impossible... He fixed the unfixable, well not completely fixed, but he did what he could, while i was being too realistic.

Broken people, with broken lives, with nasty attitudes really is hard to talk to or to deal with, but God never sent His people, like me, to love just the lovable. As my devotion this morning, it said that if I love the lovable, anyone could do it. God sent His people to do the impossible.

My nephew taught me a huge lesson. It can always still be fixed if we put our mind to it, it's not really about how the outcome would be, but its really about obeying God and trusting Him, it's about trying what I can and letting God do the finishing touches.

As my nephew said, "Sticky Tape!"

As a Christian I should say, "God is with me!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Right now, i don't want any guys to interfere in my dreams, i don't want anyone to court me, nor even express their feelings to me! o.o

I want to focus on God's calling for me, i don't want to lose my momentum, i don't want to find my worth in man's eyes but in God's. I have so much to learn, and i want to learn it with God alone. No man is accepted in my heart for now, it is not yet my time and i don't want to fall into any temptation.

I know there are times that i do want to have a special someone, but i always end up fighting against it coz its not yet my time..

Right now, i do have my eyes on someone, but i cannot imagine myself to be with him for a lifetime...:) i guess its a woman's nature to like the opposite gender indefinitely until the time she gets married. 

This guy i've known since the day i transferred here in davao, and had been a huge help to me and an awesome friend. :) He did become my school mate and org. mate...:D till now, he's my crush, but it won't go any further. I want to stay liking him, coz i know its safe, for he likes someone else..:D it'll keep me single and not focused on him nor to any relationships.

Boys? I like them, i can't live without having someone, but for now, it's just not the time, coz if he'll enter my life now, surely my dreams will be crushed into pieces.

18th Birthday

When i was 13 and 16 i always had the huge gut that when i turn 18 something amazing will happen. I actually thought it was about my Manga, that finally i'd be able to publish it on my 18th birthday (it's was my dream). 

But then the amazing thing i thought would happened turned out to be a life changing experience.
Late las year, i stumbled upon YWAM, a missionary school, eventually they had a college there where the course i wanted was present. So without any hesitations, i quit my dream school in my country and left my social life there. 

Six months... (my first subject for my course) that was the best part of my life. I was able to learn so much about God and i was able to go to Hong kong and Vietnam, i was able to go to another country, that was just a dream before. After i graduated on my first subject, so many things happened, my debut, my 18th birthday, last May 2, happened. 

It got me to thinking, i did not reach MY dream to publish my manga on my debut, but GOD's dream went in, and i tell ya, it's the dream i can't even imagine myself. This year so many things happened. My 18th year wasn't the way i wanted it to be, it was FAR more better than what i planned it to be. Until today, so many things are changing, surely, i am becoming a better woman for God. 

My 18th year hasn't ended, and i'm so excited of what's ahead even if i can't see it myself. everything was on God's perfect timing, and surely His Ways are much more better than mine. :)

My life made a HUGE turn on my 18th year, God never forgot me, God never gave up on me. His love and grace is unexplainable, that i won't even bother to explain, for it'll take a lifetime for me to explain it...:D

My 18th year is the BEST year of my life, a memorable and faith deepening life.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Left or the Right?

This is one of those days into which i want to rewind my whole day and listen to God in the first place.

Everything went wrong, wrong choices, wrong priorities, wrong pride. Wrong motive, wrong perspective. 

God, i don't know what exactly happened to me, but now i realized that I am unconsciously running away from my responsibilities. Now that i am aware of it, can i do it God? Can i work this through? I am such a perfectionist... I want to quit it, i want to enjoy life as you have given me, i want to spend time with You, to know You...

I want to be part of the youth, but i am running away... Help me to stop my feet from this pace i am in... YOu're talking to me right now.. so  many things you're revealing to me... You're grace Lord, is more than enough, i can't explain how BIG your love and patience is for me.. Please God, help me not to give up... to be unselfish... please... i need your help, hear my cry, help me see you when i make choices... please...

Thursday, October 2, 2008


So many things have happened recently. I went through a lot of confusion and illusions. Until now. It's still the same actually, but i won't give up on life. I recently realized that music, makes me alive, and inspires me to have hope and faith.

Cross overs i had recently I've been bad, I've been good; but i was mostly bad. Only now did i realize that it's because I am so focused on the negative side of MY life... coz with other people? I could always see the positive, but for myself? I can only see the black dot on a pure white handkerchief. I've been trying to search who i was, when I was being myself all along. I was just too preoccupied of MY life that i forgot others! I know what I just said was contradicting haha..:D but that's what i mean, i've been living in two roads. I am luke warm. I'm neither cold nor hot... But i want to be hot in the kingdom of God.

Amazingly, God hasn't gave up on me yet, and that gave me the courage to fight, to live and not run away. The enemy has been bugging me A LOT for the past few months, he's taking advantage of the fact that my mind is idle. Actually... Just now, i realized that i have been so focused on how to look good on other people's eyes... that i lost who i really am! GAH! i was so self conscious that i totally forgot about who Shiriel is! but fear not, i shall fight!~:D

Now I can't really see or know why I am at this stage of my life. I feel so lost, so confused, i feel like I'm being cut into two. Honestly speaking, I've been selfish recently, but i wont stop there, i will stand on my knees once again and fight this nightmare i am in right now. 

Obviously I cannot do it alone, I know i'm not alone, but i am too lazy and too confused to see where God is working in my life. It's like there's a thick cloud in my face, but honestly speaking? I lack consistency. It's pretty weird and odd, that i know what's wrong with me, but i have no idea or i am too lazy to act how to get rid of it. I need someone to lean on, I need a friend until now.

Nearly 5 months ago, i had so much friends, my relationship with God was AMAZING, but now... it's as if i am in a plain desert, not alone though, lost and insensitive. I am at a barren stage of my life. I know my soul longs for God, but there's a crust that keeps that feeling from being answered or reached out. I know God is with me, I know He's cheering me on. I know He's there. I know He won't leave me. I know that even if i gave up, He won't give up. I know He has a reason. I know He's sad and hurting as I am right now.


This piece, has been my inspiration lately i heard it once in an anime that inspired me. I thought it was the anime that inspired me, but i realized that it was this piece that actually inspired me through the deepest core of my heart. There's just something with this piece that makes me appreciate God's amazing Creation, it reminds me of all the greens and colorful flowers of a blissful meadow, the blue skies and the soft fluffy clouds that bring beauty in that wide sky. It reminds me of a beautiful day at the beach, quiet and free.

This piece is my inspiration, i know i've had inspirations before that never worked out for me in the end, for the reason that i want it to be my FOREVER inspiration, but i realized that Life equals change. Change is constant and it will never fade. 

This inspiration may not last as well as the others, but i will keep it with me and stop looking at the future ahead of me, but i will begin looking at what i have right now, what is under my nose, and what i can use on what i have.

I've been a perfectionist, and nothing is perfect, i must admit it, until it is stamped on my brain. Pachelbel's Canon is my inspiration right now. I won't worry about how long it'll be, i'll just enjoy the best of it until the day i'll find a new inspiration..:D

Dear God,

My Father in Heaven, You music is such a wonderful creation, no words could express how wonderful this creation of yours is. Such mystery is in each sound, tone, and note. You made music to be enjoyed, to be loved and to inspire. I want to play Canon in my violin. I know i don't have enough skills to play it, but surely i know if i play it for you, your music will come out of my instrument. I want to play it with passion and love and amazement. I want to play it for the sad and burdened people, for i want to show them the beauty of your grace and vast, unfailing love...:) I am so sorry if i have done so many wrong things that has hurted you, please forgive me, and thank you for the cross, I am in debt of you Jesus, please use me as you Father wants to use me. I pray for the deep hurt teens out there, that i will find a way to help them, but first, Oh God, Father, please show me the beauty and the magic of your Word, that i may not find it boring but rather see it as my treasure..:) I love you so much, and if i have sins that i am not aware of, please forgive me, I want to tell you how much i love you with a sincere heart, I may not see you, but i know you're there, for my days are always filled with miracles...:) I can do this Father! but i can never do it, without You. You are my strength, my shield, my fortress...:) I hold onto your promise that you will never leave me nor forsake me, and you have a bright future for me..:)

Your ever longing daughter,

Friday, September 12, 2008

My Song

Everyday of my life, you were always there,

I got to ignore the little miracles
I even forgot your salvation,
that saves me everyday.

I can't believe i've lost my way,
my way of loving you, dear Lord,
I can't believe i've dropped my faith,
and held on something else.

Dear Lord oh please forgive me,
i've turned my back on you.
but i still can't explain your grace,
that saved me from this pain.

I can't believe you love me so,
despite my selfish heart Oh God,
I can't believe you still protect me,
Even if i turned my back on you.

Dear Lord oh please forgive me,
i've turned my back on you.
But i still can't explain your grace,
that saved me from this pain.

You are great oh God, majestic
i want to praise you with my song,
A song that is never ending Oh Father,
I just long for you.

Dear Lord oh please hear my prayer,
Thank you for loving me till the end,
I give my entire life to you,
Please use me as you please...:)

Inspired. Now What?


I know you're there... Finally, over months of waiting, i finally felt your presence today. I can't explain the happiness i felt. I just know you were there in that workshop... I cried the whole time the singer was talking! Haha.... I just missed your presence...

Lately i thought i was forgotten by you. I thought i failed you, i disappointed you. So, i turned away from you... i thought i wasn't anointed no more, i thought i was worthless, i thought i was of no use in your kingdom no more... but i was wrong...

You're there, waiting for me... telling me those little three words again, "I miss you". God, i heard that a lot of times from you... i have no idea why in the world i am not responding!... i feel very sad about it.

My heart truly is for the youth isn't it?... Heh, when i was those video clips of teens just praying, singing, closing their eyes, i could feel your love flow through me. I just know you made me for them. I was inspired, i was touched... but now... now what?

I'm saddend by the thought that when i got home, its as if everything went back to reality. My inspiration faded, i'm back to being my old boring self. I don't want that, i want something better than yesterday.

Who's in my throne right now? I want it to be you, yet people's thoughts about me is sitting on my throne. I'm so conscious about myself, how people would think of me, how i would present it correctly, i am so focused on not failing, that in the end i am failing not in the eyes of men, but in your eyes.

Fear of men ruled over fear of God. Oh God, please help me. I have no idea how to overcome this. I need you to clean my thoughts, to erase every confusion written in every corner of my thoughts. i need you, i miss you, i want to love you.

I know you're real, i know you're there, i know i want to be with you, but please fill this empty cup i have right now and kick the one sitting on my throne right now. Please, sit on my throne, for it was made and only belongs to you alone.

I'm ready. Storms will come in my life i know, please protect me, i need you. Always let me look forward to the rainbow after the storm...

I'm sorry for my rebellious attitude, my ignorance, my pride, my selfishness. I really am. I'm so sorry.... and thank you, thank you for saving me again... for saving me, every single day of my life... thank you..

In Jesus name i pray, Amen...:)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I have a very high standards, especially towards choosing the right man. I was actually very focused on the physical appearance, because i am an artistic person.

I like a guy who is thin, tall, has a bushy hair, a foreigner, musician or artist, older than me, wears a silver cross necklace, has glasses, looks like an anime, quiet, deep, mysterious, and has a cute smile.

I have more if you ask me. It's very very physical, but then as i asked myself, "Am i looking for a model or a lover?" So i thought about it, i thought of the inner qualities i'd like from a guy.

First of all of course he must be a believer, and next, he must be sincere....


That's it... He has to be sincere...


I realized a lot of guys had promised to me when i was younger, that they'd wait for me until i turn eighteen(that was the time i would accept courtship). I trusted them, in the end they all failed me. 

Some of them had a girlfriend and told me, "I'm still waiting for you, this girl is only for the meantime." The heck?! What are those other girls then? TOYS? or do they think i'm dumb enough not to think that they're playing with me? Hahayz.

Some said they'd really wait, in the end they said we're good enough as best friends... If only they really waited... If only they were sincere with their promises... I just know i'd say 'yes' to them. But no, no one was patient enough to wait for me...

They told me its hard to wait for me. What did they think? that it was easy for me? They were only thinking about themselves... Is that love?

No one dared, nor kept single for me. All, every single guy, who said 'loves' me, never waited. They gave up so easily... I thought of those guys... and if only one of them was sincere enough, i'd turn down the others easily... 

But no, no one waited. I've kept myself pure all this years. I never had a boyfriend even if the world insists that i did have. They just don't understand, maybe they can't accept the fact that there are still women out there who treasures purity even in the smallest ways such as holding hands and saying those three little words....

I am crazy about guys, for i am a very emotional girl, i can't live forever without a man by my side, i know i need one; but now, i'll stop looking and start enjoying. Enjoy singlehood...

There is so much in this world that i can do as a woman, that i cannot do when i become a wife. I'm eighteen, i'm young, and i'm single and proud of it.

A salesman actually asked me awhile ago,

"Why aren't you with your boyfriend?"
I was like, "I don't want to."
then he asked, "How many boyfriends do you have?"
I answered, "None at all"
He said," A cute girl like you, no boyfriend? you've got to be kidding. I don't believe you."

What's so hard about accepting the fact that i don't have a boyfriend? or is it one way of men flirting? Dude... i gotta learn more about how men think before i meet the one for me! :P

Its time i put an end to this searching and begin molding myself, to be the best woman i can be for my prince who'll surely come at the right time...:)

A Bad Day?... Think Again.

Two days ago i came home from Manila. I had a great week there with my brother, relatives, and friends. Everything went well, nothing wrong happened within that week, until the day i was on my way home.

Bad Day?...

-When i woke up, i was alone in my brother's house, for he went to work early.( I hate being alone)
-When i ate breakfast I looked at my (borrowed) luggage and saw that some mice ate the zipper line;
-Worst, I pulled it too hard that the zipper slipped away from the zipper line, making the luggage unclose-able.
-I asked some of my uncles next door, to fix it; In the end they can't fully fix it.
-Lunch time came, and there wasn't any gas for cooking rice, no salt nor cooking oil. 
-When my brother picked me up to go to the airport, i forgot something from his house so i had run and go back and get it.
-When i arrived at the airport, i had a 6 kilo excess baggage that cost me six hundred pesos!
-While i was waiting for the plane, i bought some donuts and apparently the donuts i wanted was taken from the girl who was supposed to be next in line. (I was supposed to be first)
-My plane was 50mins delayed.
-When i rode my plane, the storm was sooo strong! Thunders were flashing before my eyes. I kinda had a bumpy ride.
-When i was in the plane, i got hungry but had nothing to eat...
-In the end my whole day was a bad day, the day i was on my way back home.

Think Again.

-Yeah i woke up alone, but if my brother didn't got to work earlier than usual, he won't be able to bring me to the airport! I'd go alone! That's even worst!
-The mice ate my borrowed luggage, but at least it was a small damage, and the mice didn't eat anything inside from my stuff.
-I pulled it too hard(I was panicking), good thing i didn't create a bigger damage...(Lesson learned, never panic!) :)
-My uncles didn't fully fix it, but at least they solved the problem. I could close my luggage again..(The owner of the luggage was kind enough to understand...She wasn't mad at all...^_^)
-No gas, no salt, no cooking oil. So i used the oven, butter, and soy sauce to make my egg omelet and opened a can of sardines... :) Good thing God gave me a creative mind...:) It was a different kind of lunch and i enjoyed it... ^_^
- I forgot something from his house. Good thing i remembered before we rode a taxi!
-I had a six kilo excess. Good thing my brother gave me a five hundred bill for my pocket money on that day! 
-I didn't get the donuts from Go Donuts that i wanted, but at least i got to buy the best donuts from Krispy Kremes a day before, that the girl didn't have...:)
-My plane was 50 mins delayed, gave me enough time to buy more donuts for pasalubong, and appreciate the new NAIA building...:D
-Storm, thunders, bumpy ride. Good thing i was safe! Our plane didn't crash, thank God!:D
-I got hungry. God let me sleep all through out the flight! haha which was so impossible before...and when i got home, i got to eat my favorite homemade dish cooked by my mom!=3
-Yeah i got a bad day on the day i went home. Good thing nothing bad happened to me the whole week of my stay in Manila!!! It's so amazing and i had so much fun!:D 

Over all, was it a bad day? Well think again...:)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Deep Skinned Friendship

I can't believe how you looked at it,

but you turned every tear into a smile.
Now i know there's nothing that could stand,
between our deep skinned friendship.

Let's make melodies,
and celebrate this happiness,
dancing like little ladies,
even in the deepest darkness.

You turned every dark cloud
into a wondrous sun shine,
That created a smile
in every blank spot.

Let's make melodies, 
and celebrate this happiness,
dancing like little ladies,
even in the deepest darkness.

You listened, you believed, you trusted.
I can't thank you deep enough,
for being who you are in front of me,
i can't explain, this happiness deep within.

In the deepest darkness,
you chose to look at the light,
now we're back together,
never ending this circle of life.


Me and my bestfriend are okay now!!!!:D am happy! 

Bitter Sweetness

You were happy, i wanted you to stay that way,

I didn't want to kill the smile you've made.
I wanted you to keep that smile up high.
Believe me, i didn't want to turn it up side down.

But i'm sorry i just can't keep it,
This is the way it has to be,
Painful i know it may seem,
but i'm doing this for you.

I was happy that you trusted me, trust me more now,
even if what i say would hurt your heart the most,
Coz I gotta break this deadly cycle your in,
I want you to smile for long, believe me its true.

But i'm sorry i just can't keep it,
This is the way it has to be,
painful i know it may seem,
but i'm doing this for you.

Just to let you know, i hate what i did,
It pains me deep within,
but i had to do it for you,
i don't want you to crash before your smile.

Bitter you may feel with the words i said,
but sweetness is behind every word expressed.
I didn't want to say these words as well,
but i had no choice, i cared enough to let you know.

I'm sorry i just couldn't keep it,
This is the way it has to be,
Painful i know it may seem,
But this is all done for you.


Its for my best friend... i told her what i think is the truth, and i crashed her smile into tears...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dark Dump

Down in the pits of a dark dump,

I find myself roaming with tears.
Lost in a place where i could see nothing,
but darkness and garbage.

Could someone please save me? 
and get me out of this dark dump.
I don't like it here, please save me,
I'm lost, can't find my way, save me.

I see nothing but trash and forgotten memories,
I feel sadness rooted in everything i see.
Lost in such a huge dark dump,
Could anyone even see me and hold my hand?

Could someone please save me?
and get me out of this dark dump.
I don't like it here, please save me,
I'm lost, can't find my way, save me.

My hand is reaching out high above,
can someone see it and care to reach it?
I look like trash but would you look deep within?
Would someone even care to look at this dump?

Could someone please save me?
and get me out of this dark dump.
I'm tired and i need someone now,
please save me before it's too late.


I'm tired.. i need help.. I'm lost literally. I've been like this for months.. sometimes i just want to lie down and wake up on a hospital bed...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

How could I leave you so?

I was standing alone at the back,

Hiding from the crowd i was in.
I smiled here and i smiled there,
in the end they'd swiftly leave.

But you came along and was different,
You stood by me and asked my name.
Excitedly as i may, i gave it to you,
but in the end i left you there.

How could i leave you so?
When you stood by me.
Now, I regret thy actions,
that i wished i never did.

Now that i left you on that corner,
I never will be able see you once more.
Coz when I came back to see you,
I was too late, you were long gone.

How could i leave you so?
When you stood by me.
Now, i regret thy actions,
that i wished i never did.

How i wish i could turn back time,
and ask you how you were.
To have begun a short conversation,
that would end for a lifetime. 

I failed to listen to your voice,
So now i've lost a friend.
A friendship that ended,
That never even began.

How could i leave you so?
When you stood by me.
Now, i regret thy actions,
that i wished i never did.

This is good bye,
without you hearing me say so.


Hahayz... i lost a friend even before our friendship began... Me and my shyness problems, i need to be proactive! ~_~ this is a song i wrote today. I feel this way today.. how i wished i never left him where he found me... i wonder if i'll meet him again and sing this song i've made only for him...

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Life Interviews

Questions From "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson 

Think back what you wanted to do while you were growing up and state why.
- I wanted to be a teacher ever since i was a kid. I have to admit I've always loved the idea of being superior, but then as i grew up, it began to change. I began to realize that i wanted to be a teacher, because i wanted to give hope. I wanted to inspire teenagers, i wanted to come into their lives and help them pursue their dreams. I wanted to be their friend, their listener. I wanted teenagers to reach their fullest potential. I wanted teenagers to see what it really means when adults say "They're the future". I've and will always want to see teenagers show their real smiles. Though, most of all, i want them to meet my source of inspiration, my source of hope and that is my Savior, Jesus.

-As i grew older i began to change whom i want to be, I want to be a singer. Not just any ordinary singer, I want to be a Worship Leader. I want to inspire people through my singing. I want God to use my mellow singing as an instrument to talk to His children. I have a very soft and mellow voice, i've always wanted it that way, for it relaxes people and i know that when one person is relaxed, their mind is at peace, thus letting them hear God clearly. I want to write songs that would bring teenagers back to God. I want to sing to most beautiful tone that i could release that presents how beautiful God is. 

- Later on i found one more thing that i want to be. I want to be an animator and a cosplayer. I want to use this medium to attract teenagers to read or watch my story. My story about people's testimonies about God, my story about my life with God, and Jesus' story. My story full that is full of insights, but most of all, God's story in disguise as mine. I wanted to cosplay with the same reason, to attract teenagers; or more likely teenagers too addicted to anime. There are some teenagers out there who love anime so much that they make their own world in their own mind. People call them weird or funny, but in reality they're just lost or different. Why do i know this? Coz i was one of them before. If i could only talk to them i know they'd listen, but they won't listen unless you know their world or act like one from their world.

In the end i came to realize that i may have four different dreams, but they only lead to one calling. A heart for the Youth.

What have I always been good at?
- Arts and Music. I have a passion for singing and drawing. I could create something wonderful from trash. I could put my wild imaginations on pen and ink, and even pictures and colors. I could love someone without expecting that someone to love me back. I could make people smile through being me.. ^_^

What needs do i care about most?
- Teenagers unable to be loved or unable to reach their dreams. Teenagers unable to smile or laugh. Teenagers who keeps on crying. Teenagers who has a deep longing. Teenagers who seem lost. Fatherless teenagers( I am a daddy's girl ). 

Who do i admire most?
-  A youth pastor i once had, who spoke with passion and wisdom that led me into tears the very time she began to speak up to the point she prayed as she ended her sermon. My Father who has so much wisdom that gave answers to the questions of a lot of lost teenagers.

What makes me most fulfilled?
- When i know that God used me to prevent or stop a teenager from crying; and see them give out a smile in different ways.

What do i love to do most?
- I love to sing soft and mellow music, i love to write, i love to do anything crafty from edible to inedible, i love making other people smile, i love loving someone, i love teenagers, i love to make something beautiful from trash. I love encouraging people, i love hugging people, i love making others feel good about themselves. I love excitement and smiles.

What have i felt called to do?
- To reach out to broken Teenagers/Youth.

What legacy would i want to leave for my children and grandchildren?
- That God was able to make an animation or song that saved teenager's souls through my talents. 

Golden Nuggets~

I Don't Want to Sleep

These past few weeks i didn't want to sleep. Every time nightfall came i hated the feeling of lying down and closing my eyes. At that time, i thought it was because my day was so exciting that i didn't want to bother to sleep.

Nope. I was dead wrong. It was the complete opposite. 

I didn't want to sleep because i didn't live my day to the fullest. I end up wasting it. I finished my day without thanking God, i finished my day without seeing God's plan for me. August 3, 2008 can never be the same as August 4, 2008. We could never have that date repeated, but rather it ends up as history. 

Today never got to help Tomorrow, because Today looked at Tomorrow first before he even looked at himself. Yesterday stole Today's attention, and Today stayed in Grief. Future wanted to give Tomorrow Happiness as Today wanted it, but Today was so focused on Yesterday that Future couldn't give her gift to Tomorrow. That end up that Present being unopened and wasted.

I wonder that if i see my Book of Life, would i see waste written all over in most of my days? How about yours? Made me think, why do people have insomnia anyway? Coz if i know, if one person is very happy, they can sleep sweetly. Meaning, people who have insomnia, has the same problem as mine? They couldn't find satisfaction in their day?... 

One Quotation really struck me, it asks, 'Are you living your dream? Or just living your life?' -Bruce Wilkinson

My Dream

Where the need is, where my burden is, where my sorrow is, where my strength is used, where my passion burns... there lies my dream.

Too Late?..

As Long as I have breath, it is never too late to act on my dream it is never too late to find who I really am.. Our dreams are very important to God, He will never let it die until the need is present. The way I pursue my dream is too unique for any other person who'd pursue it. I can never be the same as You. As Long as you have Faith and Hope as your friend, Too Late will never come near you.

So far that's all i have for now..:)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I need...

It’s funny how sometimes you don’t know what to do anymore. Everything seems to go wrong. No matter how much you look at the positive side, the negative still reigns…


I just don’t know what to do, I know God is there, but there’s so much in my mind, so much hindrances, so much distractions that I couldn’t hear Him, nor feel Him… I hate this feeling, this feeling of failing at everything.


I have been in this situation for a long time now. Actually ever since I went back home. I feel a deep longing, I feel insecure… I practically feel lost. Everything I do, seems to be wrong. Everything I try to achieve goes flat to disappointments.


I try to fight back, but I am just not strong enough. I can’t do anything right anymore. I left my manners somewhere, I lost my smile, I misplaced my responsibility, I hid my politeness somewhere, I dropped my integrity… I practically lost a lot of things.


Is this what they call change?  Why is it so hard? This change that they talk about, it’s so hard to adjust in. Leaving my comfort behind me; and straining to some unknown future. Change… Why is life bending to you?


Change is becoming too constant in my life. Everything I am, everything I do, is changing. I’m growing up, but my heart disapproves. Deep within I want to be a kid, but the world cannot see me as one anymore. Taking me for granted, lying to me, seducing me, pulls me to a dark place, offering me a drugged drink, these are some things the world offers me that a kid would definitely take because of its innocence.


But Someone out there is protecting me, telling me to grow up to be an adult, to survive this dark place they call reality. A kid at heart I maybe, but on the outer core I must show a matured lady.


All through this changes, these letting go of things, this growing up; This vague future I have, this unknown path I will take, I need one thing, one important thing.


I need a friend.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I got to stop.

Just read CCS Manga vol. 6...the ending. It's practically a love story.

I gotta stop reading these kind of stories. I got to grow up. I got to mature. I got to let go of this. I got to stop reading love stories. I just have to.

Or else i might get myself a boyfriend this year.

I got to stop. I got to stay focus. I got to stand up and stop thinking about such things. I HAVE to get the point. I have to stop. I have to focus on my passion.

My passion for the youth.

I got to stay single. I have to be an example. Being an example ain't easy. But i have to. I got to live diffrently the way others do. I got to live up the way i should. I have high standards i know. I got to live beyond normal. I have to be simple & different at the same time. 

I got to keep my promise.

My promise, my commitment. Not to fall in love until I'm finish college.

I got to keep it. I made a promise, i will not break it with God's help.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

7 O'clock in the morning

It's been 2 days or 3 that i've been waking up at 7am. I have no idea why i kept waking up at that time, when i was so tired and slept very late the previous night. I'd usually wake at 10 or 9. But no... This time i woke up at 7am consecutively.

For the past few days i've always been encountering a phrase that stuck to my head. "Be disciplined. Have a time for your quiet time. Stick to that time." I really didn't care about it but it was stuck in my head!~ Well...until today.

I woke up early again because of an asthma attack, i cant sleep back. So i puffed my medicine and i wasn't sleepy no more. I ate my breakfast, drank coffee and had a huge feeling to open my Bible. Then as i sat alone in my room, the verses that i've read 2 or 3 weeks ago, flashed before my thoughts.

Then God spoke to me. He said, "I miss you."

Man. Those words, i'm not even worthy enough to be missed by someone, but He did... God did... His grace and His love left me speechless and took me out of my condemnation spirit. 

God missed me, and i miss Him a lot too. He told me that He is always there, and He keeps His promise, as He promised in Genesis 9:8-14. He made a covenant with Man and the living creatures of the world that He will not kill all life with a flood again. The rainbow after the rain is His promise, His visible covenant.

The fact that i could still see a rainbow after the rain, only means one thing. He keeps His promise. So, i will stick to His promise, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Oh yeah, a month ago, i'd always read my Bible or just talk to God in my quiet time, and i'd do it every morning at 7am. I haven't been having my quiet time for weeks now, and He began waking me up at 7am because He knows i need Him. I'm actually lost in my life, i don't know what to do, i am so pessimistic. He knew i'd break down, but He won't let that happen. So He began to help me, just like a real Father would do...^_^

He misses me... Those words are enough to get me on my knees and pray and go back to Him...

Being an Example.

Yesterday i went with my sisters and my nephew for a vaccine shot. I hate injections & I've feared it for YEARS. I was actually amazed at myself that i wasn't scared( I believe God was with me at that time...^^) though when i got inside the clinic, my heart was pounding fast.

I tried to face my fears telling myself (Shi, you're eighteen! get a grip! be an example to your lil sis and nephew!) After that i relaxed for a moment knowing that i'd be last anyway.

NOT! bah! my nephew got scared and my older sis told me to go first! the horror... i never wanted to go first. Then she said "Come on be an example to the little ones, i need your help." Waaah. I was scared i tell ya. 

I sat on the clinic bed, not knowing how to react and made several faces to ease my fear. The doctor told me to not look at the injection. Man.... i saw it and it gave me HARD heart pumps...~_~

The moment the needle went pass my skin. It hurt. But it didn't hurt the way i thought it would. I said to myself 'whew...'. after some seconds the doctor started to push the needle, making the liquid go in my veins. Now, THAT HURT! ALOT! i bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry or scream coz my nephew and lil sis was watching me.

It hurt. It was painful. It was tough. But my world didn't end there.

God made me realize that life is like this. That needle is my problems. I think that once that problem goes into my life it'll hurt and crush me deeply to the point that i think it'll never pass away. But then that needle won't stay forever in my skin. It'll go out. It may hurt, but then the liquid(vaccine) that went in my body, will protect me from even painful diseases that could cause me to stay on a hospital bed.

Same as with my life. Any problem that goes in my life, maybe painful at first but deeply, it is a vaccine a wisdom that will help me and guide me to the right way in life. 

Being first, was tough. I had to feel the first 'OUCH' but then, it'll make it easier for the next ones to me.. because they saw that i could do it. My lil sis didn't even cry! haha i was so proud of her...

A golden nugget for today. "Being an example is not an easy task, but it'll make other people's lives a tad bit easier."

Monday, July 21, 2008

Making a Change

I was having my devotion and i just felt like reading a book; and apparently, God spoke to me through that book. "97" by justin lookadoo.

A certain chapter of the book says that I can make a change by simply being kind to others. Kindness is like a chain link.  His example was very nice:

"There's a kid in your school who's always eating alone, then you try and eat with him today. He says that you get lost, but deep inside he's having cartwheels, being very happy that someone is eating with him. Then as he went home, the dog whom he'd always throw rocks at, he gave him food instead. Then this dog followed him and apparently the kid adopted him. The kid had a grandfather who was lonely, the kid gave the dog to his grandfather and this gave excitement to the life of the old man."

The list goes on. One simple act of kindness can bring change in this dark evil world... The little acts, are actually the biggest acts in heaven's view.

I was expecting so much from myself, wanting to give huge gifts to other people, when a simple hand written letter is of much value to them. 

I proved this because i had a little brother in school whom i cared so much for. I've gave him a whole set of a manga series which i've loved and kept for years. I felt that if someone would give me a set like that, i'd jump for joy too! i wanted him to be happy so i gave it to him. Then i also wrote a letter for him.

I actually thought the manga series is the one that would make him so happy. I was wrong... It was the letter... He said

"Thanks Oneechan for the gift, but your letter is the best of all..."

I was suprised, and happy.

I don't really know how it impacted him, but the fact that he was happy made everything worthwhile...:)

This is how to make a change, by doing small deeds that turns into chain links and realizing that Huge deeds are actually in disguise as small deeds..^_^

I actually thank God for a friend... He made me realize that i was having too much expectations in life, that i don't live it to the fullest. He was frank, he was mean, but he made a change in me, that could also turn as a chain link to changing other people, to actually changing a whole nation.

Sounds impossible? 

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

It's Biblical. Therefore its the TRUTH.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Catching up.

I was reading a children's book about meditation, and a poem struck my heart...

The work that God assigned to us,
unimportant as it seems,
that makes our task outstanding
and brings reality to dreams.
So do not sit and idly wish
for wider, new dimensions
where you can put in practice
your many good intentions.
But at the spot God placed you
begin at once to do
the little things to brighten up
the lives surrounding you.

I've been so busy about my passion and heart for the youth of Japan, that i completely forgot of the youth around. Also busy about my emotions towards men. I realized that it is a choice to think about such things or not.

It's time to just stop thinking and to just do it. I have been confused for a long time now when faith is the only thing that could erase confusion, and also taking the risk of committing mistakes. I have lived the way I want recently and i want to live the way God does...

About the guy, i know someday i'll meet the perfect one for me..:) it's not the time to focus about it, all i need to focus on right now is my faith.

It's time to pick up the pace and catch up with the race that God has set before me... ^__^

Sunday, July 13, 2008



I saw young couples around. I just know they weren't married for they look too young. I saw a lot of couples holding hands, Eating together, Hanging out, simply being together... Things like that, things what couples usually do. I find it cool, i was happy to see such happy couples. I  like the feeling of knowing and seeing people in love...:) They had a different aura, they had different eyes, both shouting "I'm Happy."

But somehow... I don't want to have something like that, or be like that. I want... I want something more than that. I want to have a relationship with my 'one' that is different from every relationship i have seen so far. I can't imagine myself going out with him on the mall only. It's as if we're only limited to that one mall, to walk and to hold hands... No... i want something more than that! I want it to be exciting and uniqe! I want to go to Japan with him and watch the cherry blossoms fall, and hold hands on a way that we sway it back and forth... Haha it's odd, but i could just imagine myself happy and dancing my steps, while he holds my hand tight and just walks straight and simple.

Someone whom I could be 'me'... Whom i can be cute & he finds it cute...I want a man whom i could do more extraordinary things than the normal that i see with couples.

Me and my friends had a great talk awhile ago, we were talking about our standards for guys... I said that i want my guy to be a japanese. They said it maybe hard because of the culture; but then, i grew up watching anime all my life, i got to know their culture through that... and not only that, i researched about their culture usually for my school papers... That's how my passion for the youth of Japan grew.

But then their culture says that men look down on women there, in their culture, women were there to serve men; but that's what i want... I want to serve my 'one' and a lot of women in Japan seems happy as wives too... So i believe it's not impossible to have a relationship with a person with a different culture... but yeah...

I want something different... I want a relationship that would shout "WOW"... I have kept myself as pure as i could and so far i have been successful and i am not just going to give it away just like that. I have standards and i didn't made them to not be followed; but then again, i hope that i will love my 'one' not an ideal but for who he is...

or maybe, just maybe, i could get both... To love my ideal, for who he really is... imperfect, as I am. For now, i will be the best woman i could be for my future one, and all i could really do now is wait for God's perfect timing and pray about my future 'one'...

To be honest, i've been praying for him since i was 13 ^_~

Changing the World?

I have this dream; and i dream to make a difference, to make a change in this world.

I have a heart for the youth in Japan and Hong Kong. I want to reach out to them. I have a passion for them. Though I am stuck here in my country for now and i can't do anything about it and i am not doing anything about it but plainly waiting.

It's like lying down under a tree and waiting for the apple to fall in my mouth. That's how i am right now. Just imagine if I'd rather stand up and pick up that apple from the tree with a will, no matter how high it is, I'd get it more faster. Just like in my dream, I'm not doing anything now, so it'll take me YEARS before i can reach my dream.

I was at the verge of being crazy of doing nothing and waiting, then someone who was full of wisdom asked me, "How can you change another nation, if you can't even change your own nation?" another question was followed by it, " How can you help the youth from Japan or Hong Kong, if you can't even help the youth around you everyday?"

That realy struck me right through my heart. I can't believe it, I'm dreaming of something i would never accomplish by waiting. I have a dream and i can only make it come true by placing my dream on where i am right now first.

So... I tried it today, i tried to see the needs of the youth in our gathering. I left my circle of friends for today and mixed with the ones i don't know much of.

I got to talk to them, i got to know them; and well...In the end, i was actually shocked. Shocked that the youth around me, has SERIOUS problems and i never had any idea about it.

I simply said, "If you have a problem and needs to talk about something, I'm here."

Immediately, she opened up... Tears fell from her eyes like crazy. From a joyful spirit, now i see a crushed and afraid spirit. I can't believe it. I've been blind. I didn't see the need. I wasn't there when she needed me, i was late.

I wanted to cry... All these years i've been blind. I had a heart for the youth in those nations coz i do believe all they need was someone that would listen to them, who'd hear out their problems and heartaches. Just to realize that its exactly the same with the youth in MY nation...

God, opened my eyes. He revealed the need. He revealed it to me but i didn't respond the right way. I saw the need, i faced it, i aided it. What's wtong about that? I responded to the need MY way, when it was suppose to be HIS way...

When the girl was sharing to me, all i could think of was what how to give a 'mature' statement or an 'inspiring' response. I would always respnd to her, "I know what you mean, you're scared..etc ect.." Then she'd answer, "No, its not that..." she said that 5 times or even more... It's only now that i realized that i wasn't listening... I was only hearing.

I was thinking of what good thing i could give her, when all she needed was someone to listen. I failed to listen, coz i wanted to respond in a "Godly Way" when in reality i should respond in "God's Way"...

Making a change in Japan and Hong Kong? That's baloney, that's trash, that's nonsense... Unless, i make a change in my OWN nation first and i know for sure I'd be able to reach those nations.

Just as the saying goes, "Change starts at Home."

Saturday, July 12, 2008


Recently I became a fan of Ikuta Toma because of his character Nakatsu in the series Hana Kimi. Here's a photo of him:

I really love how he portrayed his character here. To tell you honestly, when i like an actor, i really LIKE them to the maximum level... but somehow, this time it was different. It all began when i realized ALL my friends is a huge fan of him too.

For some odd reason, it passed through my mind, "Ikuta Toma is famous around a lot of girls... if the girls who like or dream of being with him, will ever reach him... what would happen?" What if there was this girl who flew all the way to Japan just to meet or give a homemade gift to Ikuta Toma on a concert for just a day and to just know that she is also surrounded by huge fans of him as well? Will Ikuta Toma know her in any way? Of course not. He won't even know that she flew all the way just to meet him, what she went through, all the money she saved up, all the effort on that gift. Will Ikuta Toma be able to even appreciate or say "Thanks"?

No. Ofcourse not.

Then why in the world would a girl even do this? Well... I would do it. But at some point, i believe it is useless. And if for some miracleously way we do get to know each other, would i accept him for who he is? Or would i see him as only an ideal?

I can't imagine. I wonder how he'd feel. How he would find his perfect one. Maybe an old friend? or a close friend?... But how about the new friends? What if he falls for a new friend, and somehow that new friend only sees him as an ideal?... It's really sad...

Being famous as an actor/actress isn't as amazing as i thought it could be. It's not as happy as i thought it could be. It's actually different, challenging, and tough.

I wonder where Ikuta Toma is right now. I wonder how he's facing his life. I wonder if he's lonely or he's having a great time. I wonder... who he really is, coz i could only see his mask, his outer core, for i only know him by face and by the character he portrays.

Being a fan, being able to see him face to face would be a dream come true, if i see and get to say something to him, i'd say, or rather ask..."How's your life? Do you ever get to talk about it with someone?"

I just really wonder... and if ever I could send a 'love' letter to Ikuta Toma, this is what i'd say:

Hey Nakatsu!,

Ikuta Toma, the best character you portrayed so far is Nakatsu. He is so
full of life and he's so honest. I wonder, if you're like that. For
i have fallen with that character you portrayed; is that your outer
shell only? or is that a part of it the real you? Coz if it is, i believe i
have fallen for you.

It must've been tough on you, looking for the girl to live with all your
life. Will you be like the other actors? Who'd marry a lot of women just because
they couldn't find the 'one' for them? Or would you be different and prove that
your a man who'd marry only one woman?

Though in your stand, i couldn't explain the difficulty, coz i have never
been on where you're standing. Being an actor infront of the camera,
and living in reality behind the camera. Must've been tough but amazingly
exciting as well... ^_^

Someday I might feel the way you felt by standing on your stand, but i do
believe at that time you'd find your special one or you'd be way gone away from
my thoughts; but one thing i would never forget about being a fan of yours... Is
loving someone not as an "ideal" but as who he is.

Thanks, You've just touched my life and have been a blessing to
me...^_^ You've taught me a very valuable lesson ^_~


Odd it may seem; but hey, i want to express how i am feeling right now...:) I do hope someday, i'd find my 'Nakatsu' ... no wait... wrong... i do hope that someday, i'd find my "one" ^_^

Friday, July 11, 2008

Tough Love.

Recently i have been very emotional..O_O I've been asking a friend of mine some random questions about what guys think of girls... and i think my reason for that is... I think i'm looking for someone.

I know sometime this year this feeling will disappear; but what i don't like about this is... I always tend to like guys who are actors!xD they're very unreachable! So i asked myself why...

I realize that its because of the character that they present... I realize that i really DO like Japanese guys... It's something with the way they express themselves...:) I met several Japanese people and i just love the way they act...

The type of guy that i like isn't found in our culture... and i think its because of the huge influence of anime in my life! haha..x3

But i cannot predict my future... but i do know that i could pray for my future... I want to be the best woman for my man...

Some people are against my liking of Japanese people... Coz they say in their culture, Japanese men look down on women... but then i do believe there are still pairs out there who are happy despite the culture... I am so confused though O_o...

I'll just know about it someday... I need 2 intercultural exchange subject on my course and i chose Japan, Tokyo. So i will see how men really act on that place and maybe, just maybe... My mind will change... but i am not so sure myself ^^;;

Being a girl is soooo tough! So many things to do and care with the physical appearance... so many pressure about the figure. So many things to choose from! To be shy or confident. To be silent or noisy! To be soft or harsh... I don't know anymore..~

If ever your reading this entry now... could you please give your comment on 'Japanese'?.. What do you think of their culture?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tiny kindness, Huge happiness

I went to volunteer in a radio station... Then I went on time but apparently, the boss was having a meeting..>_<

And i don't like waiting for so long.. so i was bored so i did so many things to keep myself active...^^ Until i was really bored..i was making weird sounds already... So i was kind of annoyed coz i wasnt doing anything...

Finally the boss's meeting was done! So we got to talk, and i met this guy who was nice and he's older than me, he was a kuya to me. Then the boss asked us to bring in some chairs...So i brought mine, then i was wondering why this guy that i met was bringing two chairs... I didn't really mind so i just went in with my chair...To know that the chair he brought was for me! I stood there for awhile and didn't know what to do.. In the end i just sat on the chair i brought in beside the 'supposedly chair for me'.

I was happy for his care. He was such a gentleman, and that made me happy... Knowing that there are still guys out there who value the respect women really needs... It really made my day, even if i was at the tip of getting depressed...

His gentlemanliness, drove away the annoyance in my heart. He may not know it, but he has blessed me by simply showing that small act of kindness...^^

Sunday, June 22, 2008


"Lord, I know you're there..."

These are the first words that i would usually utter when i need God... When i am at a situation that i need someone to save me, when i'm in a situation where i just want to disppear or be invinsible...

Lately i had emotional attacks... I was having dilemmas concerning friendship and family. I was actually in the verge of breaking down. I wanted to disappear and just be invinsible. I actually did it awhile go while i was in church. I wasn't really minding people that much and i didn't talk to my churchmates. I was pretending to be "invinsible."

I was really thinking deeply what's wrong with me, i realized that its because of my emotions... I miss my friends so much from manila and i just wanted my old life back. I needed my friends whom i had been with since i was born. My childhood friends who knows me inside and out... I deeply was in need of them. I was actually questioning God already...

"If you have a purpose for me here, why do still make me miss them?"

"Why did i have to go on my last year of highschool?!"

"I can't take this anymore, why are you making me feel this way?..."

"Is this part of your Will that i suffer emotionally?"

"I thought you'll help me, why can't i let go until now?!"

Questions such as these was haunting my mind recently... and well today was the day i was about to breakdown. Break down as in going back to my 'rebellious' self... but then... God didn't let that happen. He reminded me of one of my devotions with Him that i was supposed to watch the movie "Prince of Egypt" an animation based in the life of Moses. My devotion at theat time was about great faith...

So i watched despite my arrogant prideful attitude.

As i watched the movie, one situation that really struck me was, when Moses had to follow God and turn away from Ramses, his brother, the Pharaoh.

When i watched that scene before, i'd always be in tears inside my heart. Moses had that palace as a home before, he was with his brother he was playing with Ramses all his life. They both got into trouble, they had tears and smiles at that place. Moses was taken care of in that place with great love, he was the Prince of Egypt. Moses and Ramses would have fun on the rooms of that palace, or even play hide and seek in that place, they all ate together in that palace... What I'm trying to say is... Moses grew up in that palace, his memories with Ramses was carved in his heart and then in the end, he had to turn away from Ramses. He had to turn away from that 'home' that he once he didn't turn away, he destroyed it.

When Ramses' son died, he let Moses and his people go; and the scene that really struck me was... When Moses fell on the floor of that palace. He fell on his knees, crying his heart out.

I could imagine the pain he was going through at that time. Remembering all the memories all the tears and laughter, all the love... He was going through such pain. It was against his emotions to do those things to Ramses, his brother...his bestfriend, but he chose to follow the Will of God rather than ease his emotions.

He chose to follow God and bring restoration and healing to his people, and for the coming generations. He chose to follow God rather than follow his emotions. He let go of one important person in his life and it brought joy to millions of people. He chose not to be dictated by his emotions but rather placed his full faith in God even if it brought him great pain and suffering.

But in the end, despite the great pain and suffering he received, God blessed his entire life and his people. It was a short pain that gave him an ever lasting joy.

I can relate to Moses in such a way. I left manila, i left my friends, i left my dreams there, i left a part of me in there. And just like Moses when i transffered here in Davao, I am a new person, at first people didn't like or didn't know me, but now i have a lot of friends here. They may not be as deep as i had in manila, but then again, God brought me here and i do believe He has a great purpose for me...

Even if i am suffering deep inside, even if i have so much pain in my heart, all i could hold onto now is His promise to me. "That He has a great purpose for my life"....

I've been praying for God to release my heart from my friends in Manila. I was wondering why He wasn't answering my prayer, but i remembered that the Hebrews were praying for their freedom for YEARS and i mean years. Hope was taken away from their hearts, and yet, God didn't forget them, Moses had a purpose.

"Pharaoh can take your shelter, your food, He can even take your children, your freedom, and in a snap he could take your very life... but one thing he cannot take away from you, is your faith."

Its not the exact words, but this phrase that Moses said, really spoke into my heart. Right now my Pharaoh is my emotions... my circumstance, my problems. I have no idea how to fix them! and honestly, its hopeless for me. I want to give up, i want to run away, but there is no way out. All i have right now with me, is my faith. My faith, my prayers....

God hasn't answered my prayers concerning of my letting go of my friends, but i do know that he hears me. I mean i've been praying for my unbeliever friends! and slowly they are accepting Christ in their hearts one by one...

Just now, i thought, if i was manila would i be able to share the gospel to these people? Whom God loves so much?... would i even be able to open my mouth to evangelize for God?! I don't think so... Now i could really see that God has a purpose for me in this place after all.

I have the power to go back to manila and be with my friends there and live the way I want to live and be released from this pain, but i'd rather be like Moses and put my emotions behind me and look at the greater purpose God has given me.

It hurts, it is still making me suffer, i don't know if i'll ever get over this, but one thing i am sure of, my faith is in God and He will NEVER let me down...^_^

Monday, June 16, 2008

Outside My Window...

Recenlty God has proven Himself real to me, real meaning that He IS listening to me... :) Let's just say i prayed a prayer and He answered it without me even praying about it... :)

I just know my life is changing step by step... Slowly He is bringing excitement and fun into my life. I know slowly I am reaching His purpose in my life... He's actually strengthening my faith right now, and my my my, it is a very hard and challenging stage of my life...o.o....

Hmmm... I was just imagining that behind my windows... outside my windows... There's a huge world out there, waiting for me to discover it. Waiting for me to discover the secrets and mysteries of life. Surely God created the Heavens and the earth with great beauty and mystery, and imagine, being able to uncover a secret God has placed on this very land i am living in...

I want to go out of my window and see the world the way God sees it... :) Surely my life would be a living adventure every single day, every single time i wake up... :D

But then again, everything starts at home. So until i find home an exciting place to be in, i would never see the world as exciting as it should look like... :) For God works at home, where my family is... :D

Love God, Love your home, Love your family, and surely you'll love life.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


I have earrings galore! I am so having so much fun with making these sets... ahihi they're like all animals..>_<

I am so having fun and not to mention that i had a friend to do it along with me... :) Her name is Ate Rachel and well, she's really fun to be with. Learned a lot from her, from sculpeys to spiritual stuff... I really had a great time and not to mention i was laughing nonstop! i love it!:D

I am on my way to make more now actually ahihihi so imma blog sooner or later... i have insights today, not to mention i loved my devotion!:D

Proverbs 6: 16-19

there are six things that God hates and seven that are detestable before Him.
haughty eyes
a lying tongue
hands that shed innocent blood
a heart that devises wicked schemes
feet that are quick to rush into evil
a false witness who pours out lies
and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

I love this verse! gotta work on the haughty eyes!>_<

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Men. period.

I hate to admit it, but yeah i think i'm beginning to be boy crazy again. Then i wondered why. It's because i've been lazy recently.

Being lazy makes my brain lazy as well, leading to endless thinking and endless slouching. Leading me to think about nonsense things like boys! ~_~

I'm not saying boys are nonsense, but thinking about them endlessly IS nonsense...just imagine a guy that only thinks about girls.

I came to a conclusion to stick to only one guy for now. I'm sticking to a brother of a friend of mine who lives in another country. That way, feelings won't develop and longing of the other gender won't increase..:D

I mean that's what i did with Kyle, I liked him up until yesterday and that paved a way for me to be single for almost 6 years... :D cool huh? So yeah i'm sticking to this guy and it'll end my boy crazy and let me focus on God.

I want God to be the center of my heart. Not boys... :) I can't do this alone i know, but I can do this with God!:D *w00t*

design by