Thursday, October 2, 2008


So many things have happened recently. I went through a lot of confusion and illusions. Until now. It's still the same actually, but i won't give up on life. I recently realized that music, makes me alive, and inspires me to have hope and faith.

Cross overs i had recently I've been bad, I've been good; but i was mostly bad. Only now did i realize that it's because I am so focused on the negative side of MY life... coz with other people? I could always see the positive, but for myself? I can only see the black dot on a pure white handkerchief. I've been trying to search who i was, when I was being myself all along. I was just too preoccupied of MY life that i forgot others! I know what I just said was contradicting haha..:D but that's what i mean, i've been living in two roads. I am luke warm. I'm neither cold nor hot... But i want to be hot in the kingdom of God.

Amazingly, God hasn't gave up on me yet, and that gave me the courage to fight, to live and not run away. The enemy has been bugging me A LOT for the past few months, he's taking advantage of the fact that my mind is idle. Actually... Just now, i realized that i have been so focused on how to look good on other people's eyes... that i lost who i really am! GAH! i was so self conscious that i totally forgot about who Shiriel is! but fear not, i shall fight!~:D

Now I can't really see or know why I am at this stage of my life. I feel so lost, so confused, i feel like I'm being cut into two. Honestly speaking, I've been selfish recently, but i wont stop there, i will stand on my knees once again and fight this nightmare i am in right now. 

Obviously I cannot do it alone, I know i'm not alone, but i am too lazy and too confused to see where God is working in my life. It's like there's a thick cloud in my face, but honestly speaking? I lack consistency. It's pretty weird and odd, that i know what's wrong with me, but i have no idea or i am too lazy to act how to get rid of it. I need someone to lean on, I need a friend until now.

Nearly 5 months ago, i had so much friends, my relationship with God was AMAZING, but now... it's as if i am in a plain desert, not alone though, lost and insensitive. I am at a barren stage of my life. I know my soul longs for God, but there's a crust that keeps that feeling from being answered or reached out. I know God is with me, I know He's cheering me on. I know He's there. I know He won't leave me. I know that even if i gave up, He won't give up. I know He has a reason. I know He's sad and hurting as I am right now.


This piece, has been my inspiration lately i heard it once in an anime that inspired me. I thought it was the anime that inspired me, but i realized that it was this piece that actually inspired me through the deepest core of my heart. There's just something with this piece that makes me appreciate God's amazing Creation, it reminds me of all the greens and colorful flowers of a blissful meadow, the blue skies and the soft fluffy clouds that bring beauty in that wide sky. It reminds me of a beautiful day at the beach, quiet and free.

This piece is my inspiration, i know i've had inspirations before that never worked out for me in the end, for the reason that i want it to be my FOREVER inspiration, but i realized that Life equals change. Change is constant and it will never fade. 

This inspiration may not last as well as the others, but i will keep it with me and stop looking at the future ahead of me, but i will begin looking at what i have right now, what is under my nose, and what i can use on what i have.

I've been a perfectionist, and nothing is perfect, i must admit it, until it is stamped on my brain. Pachelbel's Canon is my inspiration right now. I won't worry about how long it'll be, i'll just enjoy the best of it until the day i'll find a new inspiration..:D

Dear God,

My Father in Heaven, You music is such a wonderful creation, no words could express how wonderful this creation of yours is. Such mystery is in each sound, tone, and note. You made music to be enjoyed, to be loved and to inspire. I want to play Canon in my violin. I know i don't have enough skills to play it, but surely i know if i play it for you, your music will come out of my instrument. I want to play it with passion and love and amazement. I want to play it for the sad and burdened people, for i want to show them the beauty of your grace and vast, unfailing love...:) I am so sorry if i have done so many wrong things that has hurted you, please forgive me, and thank you for the cross, I am in debt of you Jesus, please use me as you Father wants to use me. I pray for the deep hurt teens out there, that i will find a way to help them, but first, Oh God, Father, please show me the beauty and the magic of your Word, that i may not find it boring but rather see it as my treasure..:) I love you so much, and if i have sins that i am not aware of, please forgive me, I want to tell you how much i love you with a sincere heart, I may not see you, but i know you're there, for my days are always filled with miracles...:) I can do this Father! but i can never do it, without You. You are my strength, my shield, my fortress...:) I hold onto your promise that you will never leave me nor forsake me, and you have a bright future for me..:)

Your ever longing daughter,


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