Sunday, June 22, 2008


"Lord, I know you're there..."

These are the first words that i would usually utter when i need God... When i am at a situation that i need someone to save me, when i'm in a situation where i just want to disppear or be invinsible...

Lately i had emotional attacks... I was having dilemmas concerning friendship and family. I was actually in the verge of breaking down. I wanted to disappear and just be invinsible. I actually did it awhile go while i was in church. I wasn't really minding people that much and i didn't talk to my churchmates. I was pretending to be "invinsible."

I was really thinking deeply what's wrong with me, i realized that its because of my emotions... I miss my friends so much from manila and i just wanted my old life back. I needed my friends whom i had been with since i was born. My childhood friends who knows me inside and out... I deeply was in need of them. I was actually questioning God already...

"If you have a purpose for me here, why do still make me miss them?"

"Why did i have to go on my last year of highschool?!"

"I can't take this anymore, why are you making me feel this way?..."

"Is this part of your Will that i suffer emotionally?"

"I thought you'll help me, why can't i let go until now?!"

Questions such as these was haunting my mind recently... and well today was the day i was about to breakdown. Break down as in going back to my 'rebellious' self... but then... God didn't let that happen. He reminded me of one of my devotions with Him that i was supposed to watch the movie "Prince of Egypt" an animation based in the life of Moses. My devotion at theat time was about great faith...

So i watched despite my arrogant prideful attitude.

As i watched the movie, one situation that really struck me was, when Moses had to follow God and turn away from Ramses, his brother, the Pharaoh.

When i watched that scene before, i'd always be in tears inside my heart. Moses had that palace as a home before, he was with his brother he was playing with Ramses all his life. They both got into trouble, they had tears and smiles at that place. Moses was taken care of in that place with great love, he was the Prince of Egypt. Moses and Ramses would have fun on the rooms of that palace, or even play hide and seek in that place, they all ate together in that palace... What I'm trying to say is... Moses grew up in that palace, his memories with Ramses was carved in his heart and then in the end, he had to turn away from Ramses. He had to turn away from that 'home' that he once he didn't turn away, he destroyed it.

When Ramses' son died, he let Moses and his people go; and the scene that really struck me was... When Moses fell on the floor of that palace. He fell on his knees, crying his heart out.

I could imagine the pain he was going through at that time. Remembering all the memories all the tears and laughter, all the love... He was going through such pain. It was against his emotions to do those things to Ramses, his brother...his bestfriend, but he chose to follow the Will of God rather than ease his emotions.

He chose to follow God and bring restoration and healing to his people, and for the coming generations. He chose to follow God rather than follow his emotions. He let go of one important person in his life and it brought joy to millions of people. He chose not to be dictated by his emotions but rather placed his full faith in God even if it brought him great pain and suffering.

But in the end, despite the great pain and suffering he received, God blessed his entire life and his people. It was a short pain that gave him an ever lasting joy.

I can relate to Moses in such a way. I left manila, i left my friends, i left my dreams there, i left a part of me in there. And just like Moses when i transffered here in Davao, I am a new person, at first people didn't like or didn't know me, but now i have a lot of friends here. They may not be as deep as i had in manila, but then again, God brought me here and i do believe He has a great purpose for me...

Even if i am suffering deep inside, even if i have so much pain in my heart, all i could hold onto now is His promise to me. "That He has a great purpose for my life"....

I've been praying for God to release my heart from my friends in Manila. I was wondering why He wasn't answering my prayer, but i remembered that the Hebrews were praying for their freedom for YEARS and i mean years. Hope was taken away from their hearts, and yet, God didn't forget them, Moses had a purpose.

"Pharaoh can take your shelter, your food, He can even take your children, your freedom, and in a snap he could take your very life... but one thing he cannot take away from you, is your faith."

Its not the exact words, but this phrase that Moses said, really spoke into my heart. Right now my Pharaoh is my emotions... my circumstance, my problems. I have no idea how to fix them! and honestly, its hopeless for me. I want to give up, i want to run away, but there is no way out. All i have right now with me, is my faith. My faith, my prayers....

God hasn't answered my prayers concerning of my letting go of my friends, but i do know that he hears me. I mean i've been praying for my unbeliever friends! and slowly they are accepting Christ in their hearts one by one...

Just now, i thought, if i was manila would i be able to share the gospel to these people? Whom God loves so much?... would i even be able to open my mouth to evangelize for God?! I don't think so... Now i could really see that God has a purpose for me in this place after all.

I have the power to go back to manila and be with my friends there and live the way I want to live and be released from this pain, but i'd rather be like Moses and put my emotions behind me and look at the greater purpose God has given me.

It hurts, it is still making me suffer, i don't know if i'll ever get over this, but one thing i am sure of, my faith is in God and He will NEVER let me down...^_^


shobe-chan said...

i wish i knew you as much as your friends in manila knew you. then you wouldn't have to suffer at all.. T.T but hey, you're still blessed. and God love you so much. I'm not communicating with ANY of my friends back in my childhood. not one of them. and yes, i too wish to go back to my old life. but, today is much clearer. and today is much more full of love. :3 and don't you dare forget that we are just here. especially me. i may not be like your friends in manila, but i bet you, i care soo much more that i'd tell you to put your feelings on slow motion for my cousins because i'm not sure if one of them deserves you. and i don't wanna see you get hurt.

so you just keep believing in God. and let Him lead your life the way everything is supposed to be. :3

God bless you leichan! ^__^
take care!
LOVE YAAAAAA!!! ^_____^

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