Calling

I am born at a perfect time.

Breathed life for a reason.

Stepped out for a purpose.

Living for a calling.

I know I am meant for something,

Something that i can't comprehend.

Something I can't clearly see,

But faithfully can hold onto.

I am called for something great.

Even greater than living itself.

I wasn't born to just survive.

I was called to do something great.

But as i grew up,

The world blinded my vision.

Slowly i forgot that i was called.

Began to live life just to survive.

Living just to survive is just empty.

It's living in void and confusion.

Having no sense of worth,

Having nothing to foresee.

Living life in that way,

Is simply as good as dying already.

Life is nothing but a dead end.

Nothing to see, nothing to do.

Meaningless.

Perfect definition of life survival.

So why live for no reason?

It's better to end it now than suffer.

Just when I was about to give up,

To leave this evil world behind,

A tiny spark of a loving memory,

Enlightened my once dead vision.

The One who called me,

Showed Himself in pure love.

Gave me a hand and lifted me up.

And gave me smile of hope.

He said,

"Don't give up just yet."

"You live for a calling.."

"I am with you, You will not fail."

I am indeed called.

Called for a reason, a purpose.

Called to love & live for Him alone,

And that is my highest calling. :)

Am I pretty?

Ama, am I pretty?

Ama do you think this dress is pretty?
Yes it is, but the smile that you wear is prettier than that.

Ama do you think this jewelry is pretty?
Yes it is, but the glee in your eyes are prettier than that.

Ama do you think this flower looks pretty?
Yes it is, but your natural look is prettier than that.

Ama do you think this nail polish looks pretty?
Yes it is, but what your hands create are prettier than that.

Ama do you think this cookie I made is pretty?
Yes it is, but your thoughtfulness is prettier than that.

Ama do you think this song is pretty?
Yes it is, but your voice is prettier than that.

Ama do you think this huggable bear is pretty?
Yes it is, but your sweet hugs are prettier than that.

Ama do you think I'm pretty?
No I don't, because you're far more beautiful just to be called pretty. :)

To keep or to Love

Want to keep me? Or love me?

If you want to keep me,

be sure you know your place,

You're my friend

And that won't change.

If you want to keep me,

Don't even try to chase me,

Set me free and let me live,

Don't hold me like you own me.

If you want to keep me,

Stay where you are,

Don't take a step,

That you cannot take back.

If you want to keep me,

Don't you dare touch me,

I know your thoughts,

So don't even dare and try.

If you want to keep me,

Don't provoke me,

Don't take a risk,

that'll end up in regret.

In the other hand.

If you want to love me,

More than you do now,

Be sure you know

What you're getting yourself in.

If you want to love me,

Be sure you'll never leave me,

If you're not sure,

Don't even bother trying.

If you want to love me,

Be prepared to be rejected,

Coz for the courage,

I might keep you still.

If you want to love me,

Don't strangle me,

I won't give you all,

No compromises.

If you want to love me,

Be sure to be careful,

I break easily,

And I'm hard to fix.

If you want to love me,

You gotta chase after me,

It's a tough race,

You better win.

If you want to love me,

You better love Him first,

If you don't,

I'd reject you forever.

❤

Is it Deep Enough?

I like you.

I don't really know how deep that is,

But all I know is I like being around you.

I just like it, I can't explain why.

I've been thinking a lot,

Why do I even like you so much?

I don't know how deep that is,

Is it just a friend or more than that?

There were days that i didn't care so much,

But then the question still hunts me so far.

Why do I like you so much?

I can't even answer that question right now.

I like you but i can't go deeper than that,

I can't say I love you, coz I just don't.

I like you is the perfect phrase.

Not a lover not even a crush.

Yes you are special to me,

But does speciality fall to love immediately?

I don't really know how to answer that.

I like you. Is that special enough?

A lot has been running through my mind,

Will you stay for long as my friend,

Even if I find my special someone in my life,

Or would you leave just like the others did?

You're special and I like you,

I don't want to loose you,

But I don't want to love you neither.

Am I being unfair, or just normal?

I believe you are matured enough,

but then again that is my prayer.

Mature enough to stay as friends,

Coz I'm afraid to loose you as well.

Maybe I should just stop thinking,

And enjoy this friendship you've given.

But then again, I can't help it at times,

I'm just afraid of loosing you from my sight.

But then... there's nothing to be afraid of,

Coz I like you and that's all there is.

Or am I just confused deep inside,

Not knowing "I Like You" is deep enough?

First Love

I've liked a guy for six years. He was cool and all that, but he was just a friend. I even wondered why I liked him so much all these years, when I don't even know him that well. I guess this is what you call a "crush" just seeing the mere outside and liking it at that point only. I realized lately that this guy I've liked since I was in grade school, was already gone from my heart, my standards went higher as time passed.

Now I see why it is so easy for me to like someone now, how vulnerable my heart really is; coz right now it's kind of empty and it's not that loyal to any human being at all. Anybody could pass by my heart but it takes some more will for someone to open its door. At times I do feel lonely, I feel like I want to talk to someone, go eat with someone, have lunch with someone. I tried it with my closest friends, but still the longing was there. It was different.

I guess this really happens when my brain is inactive. What i mean is, I am not doing anything productive much. I hope soon this loneliness would fade, coz I know it's just a gush of the wind in my life. It won't stay forever for my life goes on to an adventure. I have God and that's what's keeping me from doing the greatest mistake of my life; To be in a relationship with the most selfish reasons.

I know someone is there for me. He's still in an adventure with God like me. I know for sure that I haven't met him yet. I don't know, but I've had dreams that i think gave out signs. I am just so happy that finally, i got to move on. Finally i grew up and realized that the guy i liked for six years is really just a friend to me, he is just like a brother. Yes, we do still talk, but then the awkwardness is gone and i love it.

Wow, so this is how it feels to not like someone at all. I have crushes, but it's a part of being a human, as humans we get attracted to the opposite gender almost everyday! That's how beautiful God's Creation is. :) My heart doesn't like anyone right now, no one is inside but my first love. Actually my first love would never ever leave my heart that's for sure.

I am so happy that my heart is so free now, it feels so different. I see people on a different perspective. I am loving life. Though i know that i must protect my heart for sure, coz there would be people who'd pass by my heart and try to knock its door by force. I am just so happy my first love is guarding my heart.

Who's my first love? Of course, the Artist who created me :)

Someone I like...

Today I saw someone,

Whom I didn't expect to see.

Someone dear to my eyes,

Unsure if dear to my heart.

He is someone I've known,

Not far from before,

He's actually new to my life,

Which I treasure the most.

He is someone I love to see,

but when his presence is present,

I begin to act like a total crack.

Eating my words, cannot stay put.

Someone I don't really know,

Whom I like to observe,

To know much better,

Than what i already know.

He is unable to be reached,

He is someone who sees me,

Not more than a little girl,

Who needs a pat on the head.

He is quiet, simple and blank.

His words strikes into my heart,

He rarely speaks of foolish things,

And that's what I like most about him.

He is mysterious and calm,

He thinks deeper than the others,

He slowly processes wisdom at hand,

And ask questions I never thought of.

He sits in a certain position,

That makes him look smart and cool,

What's even more better than that is,

He acts this way ever since before.

He doesn't hide what he thinks,

He is straight and frank.

His words hurt at times,

But he speaks in complete truth

He is simple, tall and thin.

Too simple that makes me want,

To add more art on how he dress,

Something I'd do for love.

He thinks so deep that i want to sink,

To dive in his thoughts and clearly see,

What he is hiding deep within.

To see the condition of his heart.

I want to understand him more,

But I don't have the license to do so.

We are friends and that's how it is,

It doesn't hurt, for i do not expect.

There are no emotions attached,

To my pure admiration for him,

For i really haven't seen who he is,

For i can only see the outer mask.

I hope i can see him often,

and talk to him about life,

But i know deep within,

That if i do, I'd fall for him.

I am now not ready for such a thing,

For i know he is still growing and so am i.

He is very near and yet i feel so far.

I want to be a friend, but how can i be?

All I pray today,

Is that i would get to know him more,

and not fall for him the way i see.

I want to be dear to him as he is for me.

Pure friendship is what i deeply seek,

I wonder if he'd accept the offer i wish to give.

I cannot imagine my life with him,

but i really do want to know who he is.

I'm not sure, but i think,

I am deeply attracted to him,

for he is someone like me.

I don't know, I'm not sure.

Whatever it is, all i can say,

I think I like him,

But i could never ever say I love him.

I admire him and i think it'll stay there.

<3

Notebook in Pink Ink

Prayers i wrote down,

On a simple notebook on my bed,

written in pink colored ink,

Simple yet covered with faith.

I wrote as if i was talking to God,

Wrote with joy and expectation,

With faith and excitement,

with love and fulfillment.

Never cared what the world would think,

it's written on my simple notebook,

that only my loving God could see,

a place where i could commune with Him.

I love my notebook in pink ink,

Coz there i could read my answered prayers,

Prayers written in faith, covered with love,

written in letters, embedded in the heart.

God answered every thing i wrote,

Answered not in years, but in days,

No, not even days, but hours.

God answers in love and perfect timing. 

I can see the greatness of God,

on my notebook in pink ink,

I saw His care and great love,

in the little details of my life.

God is real,

I can prove it for sure,

with my notebook in pink ink,

surely you'll be amazed.

Though i don't need to prove a thing,

coz it can happen in your life as well,

just have the child like faith,

forget about the world and focus on Him.

Try jolting down your thoughts,

maybe in blue black or green ink,

it doesn't really matter at all ,

as long as you have the faith.

You Took it All Away

I've drifted away from you long ago,

Never knew what really happened,

But ever since i felt so empty and scared.

Dark clouds of loneliness never left me.

Questions I asked of you what has happened,

I waited and waited, until the dark of dawn,

I finally stopped asking and stopped talking.

I stopped and ran to my friends for help.

My friends where always there,

I actually began ignoring you,

For i thought you were mad at me,

I call out but you don't answer me.

All was okay, until to my great surprise,

Little my little, my friends were fading away.

Even my security and comforts at home faded.

I was so alone again, I am deeply lost, confused.

I kept thinking, "Was it you who took them all away?"

But i believe you would never ever do that to me.

You are not a God who takes happiness away.

All i know is when You close a door, you open a gate.

Suddenly, i found the truth, You took them all away.

You were the one who took all my friends,

You were the one who took my comfort away.

You took it all away, my Lord, You took it away.

You took it away for a reason i didn't see before,

You wanted to take me into a deeper level with you,

That my faith will grow stronger than before.

You wanted to bring me up, not down.

You took them all away for me to see clearly,

That i should depend on you alone,

That despite all my emotions or feelings,

There is a strong foundation of faith in my life.

Now i understand why you were silent,

You were testing me and you knew i could do it.

Now i understand that you never left,

You are actually nearer now than before.

You took them all away that i may see you,

That in every season of my life, its you whom i seek,

That despite all the storms in my life, you are still God.

That  in everything i do, i will worship you.

You took them all away in my life,

I thank you, coz now all i have is you.

Let this passion burn for you,

For you are the reason why I am living today.

Shadows

Here I am at the feet of my Saviour,

Unable to see what is ahead,

Feeling despair and loneliness,

Lost at the path i once walked on.

Somehow my saviour stood before me,

Covering me in His shadows,

Feeling emotions i deeply dislike,

Dark, Depressing, Scary.

I thought my Saviour is walking away,

Long away from me for reasons i never knew.

I cried, I deeply longed for His voice,

He is near, but all is just so dark.

My soul was hungry as ever,

To fight or not to fight is at war,

Faith and Doubt is clashing,

But His Love reigned all of them.

Tears run down my cheeks,

Arrows pierce through my heart,

Anger and confusion crept into my mind,

Desperation reign all of me.

I never tried to look up,

for i was tired and lost,

Unable to find the answers,

to my never ending questions.

Where is He?

Why did He Leave me?

What did I do?

Does He love me?

I fought with my emotions,

Held a strong grip on my faith,

Fought the deep fear in my heart,

I looked up despite the darkness in my life.

As i looked up, i saw a light,

A light that showed great glory and splendor,

I stared at this bright majestic light,

searching the whole figure of this light.

As i scanned through the feet of my Saviour,

I didn't see His back, but rather His front.

HE wasn't walking away, HE was walking nearer.

So near, that His shadow reigned all over me.

He extended a hand and smiled at me,

No word was uttered between us,

But great love and concern i felt within,

The true love of a Saviour seen through His eyes.

As He held my hand, He has brought me to a new path,

A path I am so unfamiliar with,

Yet was filled with angels and great wonders.

I just new He has brought me to a new journey.

He has closed the path of the journey i once walked on,

Bringing me closer to this new level of intimacy.

A new level of hand in hand with my Saviour,

A more powerful and fearsome adventure.

No matter how fearsome this path maybe,

My Saviour will never let go of my hand,

We will walk all through out this road,

With complete Love and Passion for the Father...:)

4.14.09

Random Entry

"Hello Good Day" he says,

a simple word he utters,

that makes my heart flutter.

Amazing feeling isn't it?

The normal things around,

Seem magical when he's there.

Things ignored before,

is now seen in great awe.

In love I am, you say?

Not really, more on the search.

Deep in my heart, it longs,

Longs for a prince she never knew.

Someday i want to feel those emotions,

those fluttering tummy butterflies,

those perfect best days proclaimed,

those meaningful dinners.

But then... I do also know,

that when my heart searches,

my prince would never come.

This is one truth that i love. :)

I love it coz i love surprises.

How can surprises be a surprise,

if it's excitedly expected?

It's not a surprise but rather an expectation.

I want my prince to surprise me,

I don't want to expect him to be perfect.

I want to understand and know him,

i don't want to dictate whom i want him to be.

Someday i know he'd come,

and when that day comes,

He'd be reading this insight,

together with my other poems.

I write all of these from my heart,

to my future prince alone,

that he may know who i truly am,

behind every smile i present.

Senseless entry this is for sure,

but i just can't stop thinking about,

a prince whom i don't know for now.

Someday he'll come when i stop looking for him.

But for the meantime, i will write,

write until the time i get tired of it.

A future prince whom God will give me.

The best of all for sure i know...:)

Before..After

Haha God is so funny!

Awhile ago i was sad and in pain,

Then the next thing i know,

I'm so happy and super excited!

I may have lost my deep friendships,

but God made all my dreams come true.

I can't wait to work in Dreamworks!

For sure God has a plan in stored for me.

If i can't work with that group,

I know for sure God has a better plan..

My whole life is in His hands,

That surely makes my life a living dream!

AhHH! can't contain this joy inside!

and God made me realize i do have a friend.

She maybe far away,

But still she cares and never forgets...:)

I really really love my best friend,

She will forever be my best friend.

Joan, she's thee one and i can't wait,

to work with her in the future plans..:D

I appreciate it, but no.

A poem for someone who confessed to me lately...>_<

A friend i met in a short while,

Confessions of feelings you let go.

I appreciate it much, i really do.

but I'm sorry I don't feel the same way.

Everything went just so fast,

I enjoyed the blooming of our friendship;

But because of such a thing you did,

the blooming somewhat came to a pause.

You're a great man, inspired me deep inside,

You're passion for music is just so grand.

Please focus on the talent God has given you,

For surely i know God will use you mightily.

Please, from the bottom of my heart,

set your eyes on the path God has given you,

A destiny only you can finish,

A responsibility meant to be handled.

Let's just be friends for now,

Friends without any expectations,

Pure and holy in the eyes of God,

that He may bless our friendship greatly.

Right now studying I am in love with,

Being single is what i yearn as of now,

No commitments, no disturbances,

My eyes and heart is looking straight into God's plan.

At times, I admit, I long for a companion,

but its those times into which I choose,

Choose to focus on becoming a better woman,

For the prince that is unknown to me for now.

Please, I pray, do the same,

Be the best man you can be,

for the future princess you want to attain.

I know you can do it, believe it so.

For now, I may look like the princess you long,

but know me first for we will never know.

Feelings are fast to develop,

but wisdom is a must to be learned.

Think, pray about it,

you might be making a wrong choice,

choose beyond your feelings,

Learn and open you heart.

You're a great man i admit,

but you can become the best.

Hold unto God's hands first,

let me go and you'll see what i mean.

My Song

Everyday of my life, you were always there,

I got to ignore the little miracles

I even forgot your salvation,

that saves me everyday.

I can't believe i've lost my way,

my way of loving you, dear Lord,

I can't believe i've dropped my faith,

and held on something else.

Dear Lord oh please forgive me,

i've turned my back on you.

but i still can't explain your grace,

that saved me from this pain.

I can't believe you love me so,

despite my selfish heart Oh God,

I can't believe you still protect me,

Even if i turned my back on you.

Dear Lord oh please forgive me,

i've turned my back on you.

But i still can't explain your grace,

that saved me from this pain.

You are great oh God, majestic

i want to praise you with my song,

A song that is never ending Oh Father,

I just long for you.

Dear Lord oh please hear my prayer,

Thank you for loving me till the end,

I give my entire life to you,

Please use me as you please...:)

Men.

I have a very high standards, especially towards choosing the right man. I was actually very focused on the physical appearance, because i am an artistic person.

I like a guy who is thin, tall, has a bushy hair, a foreigner, musician or artist, older than me, wears a silver cross necklace, has glasses, looks like an anime, quiet, deep, mysterious, and has a cute smile.

I have more if you ask me. It's very very physical, but then as i asked myself, "Am i looking for a model or a lover?" So i thought about it, i thought of the inner qualities i'd like from a guy.

First of all of course he must be a believer, and next, he must be sincere....

..

That's it... He has to be sincere...

..

I realized a lot of guys had promised to me when i was younger, that they'd wait for me until i turn eighteen(that was the time i would accept courtship). I trusted them, in the end they all failed me. 

Some of them had a girlfriend and told me, "I'm still waiting for you, this girl is only for the meantime." The heck?! What are those other girls then? TOYS? or do they think i'm dumb enough not to think that they're playing with me? Hahayz.

Some said they'd really wait, in the end they said we're good enough as best friends... If only they really waited... If only they were sincere with their promises... I just know i'd say 'yes' to them. But no, no one was patient enough to wait for me...

They told me its hard to wait for me. What did they think? that it was easy for me? They were only thinking about themselves... Is that love?

No one dared, nor kept single for me. All, every single guy, who said 'loves' me, never waited. They gave up so easily... I thought of those guys... and if only one of them was sincere enough, i'd turn down the others easily... 

But no, no one waited. I've kept myself pure all this years. I never had a boyfriend even if the world insists that i did have. They just don't understand, maybe they can't accept the fact that there are still women out there who treasures purity even in the smallest ways such as holding hands and saying those three little words....

I am crazy about guys, for i am a very emotional girl, i can't live forever without a man by my side, i know i need one; but now, i'll stop looking and start enjoying. Enjoy singlehood...

There is so much in this world that i can do as a woman, that i cannot do when i become a wife. I'm eighteen, i'm young, and i'm single and proud of it.

A salesman actually asked me awhile ago,

"Why aren't you with your boyfriend?"

I was like, "I don't want to."

then he asked, "How many boyfriends do you have?"

I answered, "None at all"

He said," A cute girl like you, no boyfriend? you've got to be kidding. I don't believe you."

What's so hard about accepting the fact that i don't have a boyfriend? or is it one way of men flirting? Dude... i gotta learn more about how men think before i meet the one for me! :P

Its time i put an end to this searching and begin molding myself, to be the best woman i can be for my prince who'll surely come at the right time...:)

I got to stop.

Just read CCS Manga vol. 6...the ending. It's practically a love story.

I gotta stop reading these kind of stories. I got to grow up. I got to mature. I got to let go of this. I got to stop reading love stories. I just have to.

Or else i might get myself a boyfriend this year.

I got to stop. I got to stay focus. I got to stand up and stop thinking about such things. I HAVE to get the point. I have to stop. I have to focus on my passion.

My passion for the youth.

I got to stay single. I have to be an example. Being an example ain't easy. But i have to. I got to live diffrently the way others do. I got to live up the way i should. I have high standards i know. I got to live beyond normal. I have to be simple & different at the same time. 

I got to keep my promise.

My promise, my commitment. Not to fall in love until I'm finish college.

I got to keep it. I made a promise, i will not break it with God's help.

7 O'clock in the morning

It's been 2 days or 3 that i've been waking up at 7am. I have no idea why i kept waking up at that time, when i was so tired and slept very late the previous night. I'd usually wake at 10 or 9. But no... This time i woke up at 7am consecutively.

For the past few days i've always been encountering a phrase that stuck to my head. "Be disciplined. Have a time for your quiet time. Stick to that time." I really didn't care about it but it was stuck in my head!~ Well...until today.

I woke up early again because of an asthma attack, i cant sleep back. So i puffed my medicine and i wasn't sleepy no more. I ate my breakfast, drank coffee and had a huge feeling to open my Bible. Then as i sat alone in my room, the verses that i've read 2 or 3 weeks ago, flashed before my thoughts.

Then God spoke to me. He said, "I miss you."

Man. Those words, i'm not even worthy enough to be missed by someone, but He did... God did... His grace and His love left me speechless and took me out of my condemnation spirit. 

God missed me, and i miss Him a lot too. He told me that He is always there, and He keeps His promise, as He promised in Genesis 9:8-14. He made a covenant with Man and the living creatures of the world that He will not kill all life with a flood again. The rainbow after the rain is His promise, His visible covenant.

The fact that i could still see a rainbow after the rain, only means one thing. He keeps His promise. So, i will stick to His promise, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Oh yeah, a month ago, i'd always read my Bible or just talk to God in my quiet time, and i'd do it every morning at 7am. I haven't been having my quiet time for weeks now, and He began waking me up at 7am because He knows i need Him. I'm actually lost in my life, i don't know what to do, i am so pessimistic. He knew i'd break down, but He won't let that happen. So He began to help me, just like a real Father would do...^_^

He misses me... Those words are enough to get me on my knees and pray and go back to Him...

Relationship.

(http://Xingz.deviantart.com/art/The-it-Couple-36033438)

I saw young couples around. I just know they weren't married for they look too young. I saw a lot of couples holding hands, Eating together, Hanging out, simply being together... Things like that, things what couples usually do. I find it cool, i was happy to see such happy couples. I  like the feeling of knowing and seeing people in love...:) They had a different aura, they had different eyes, both shouting "I'm Happy."

But somehow... I don't want to have something like that, or be like that. I want... I want something more than that. I want to have a relationship with my 'one' that is different from every relationship i have seen so far. I can't imagine myself going out with him on the mall only. It's as if we're only limited to that one mall, to walk and to hold hands... No... i want something more than that! I want it to be exciting and uniqe! I want to go to Japan with him and watch the cherry blossoms fall, and hold hands on a way that we sway it back and forth... Haha it's odd, but i could just imagine myself happy and dancing my steps, while he holds my hand tight and just walks straight and simple.

Someone whom I could be 'me'... Whom i can be cute & he finds it cute...I want a man whom i could do more extraordinary things than the normal that i see with couples.

Me and my friends had a great talk awhile ago, we were talking about our standards for guys... I said that i want my guy to be a japanese. They said it maybe hard because of the culture; but then, i grew up watching anime all my life, i got to know their culture through that... and not only that, i researched about their culture usually for my school papers... That's how my passion for the youth of Japan grew.

But then their culture says that men look down on women there, in their culture, women were there to serve men; but that's what i want... I want to serve my 'one' and a lot of women in Japan seems happy as wives too... So i believe it's not impossible to have a relationship with a person with a different culture... but yeah...

I want something different... I want a relationship that would shout "WOW"... I have kept myself as pure as i could and so far i have been successful and i am not just going to give it away just like that. I have standards and i didn't made them to not be followed; but then again, i hope that i will love my 'one' not an ideal but for who he is...

or maybe, just maybe, i could get both... To love my ideal, for who he really is... imperfect, as I am. For now, i will be the best woman i could be for my future one, and all i could really do now is wait for God's perfect timing and pray about my future 'one'...

To be honest, i've been praying for him since i was 13 ^_~

Prayer...

"Lord, I know you're there..."

These are the first words that i would usually utter when i need God... When i am at a situation that i need someone to save me, when i'm in a situation where i just want to disppear or be invinsible...

Lately i had emotional attacks... I was having dilemmas concerning friendship and family. I was actually in the verge of breaking down. I wanted to disappear and just be invinsible. I actually did it awhile go while i was in church. I wasn't really minding people that much and i didn't talk to my churchmates. I was pretending to be "invinsible."

I was really thinking deeply what's wrong with me, i realized that its because of my emotions... I miss my friends so much from manila and i just wanted my old life back. I needed my friends whom i had been with since i was born. My childhood friends who knows me inside and out... I deeply was in need of them. I was actually questioning God already...

"If you have a purpose for me here, why do still make me miss them?"

"Why did i have to go on my last year of highschool?!"

"I can't take this anymore, why are you making me feel this way?..."

"Is this part of your Will that i suffer emotionally?"

"I thought you'll help me, why can't i let go until now?!"

Questions such as these was haunting my mind recently... and well today was the day i was about to breakdown. Break down as in going back to my 'rebellious' self... but then... God didn't let that happen. He reminded me of one of my devotions with Him that i was supposed to watch the movie "Prince of Egypt" an animation based in the life of Moses. My devotion at theat time was about great faith...

So i watched despite my arrogant prideful attitude.

As i watched the movie, one situation that really struck me was, when Moses had to follow God and turn away from Ramses, his brother, the Pharaoh.

When i watched that scene before, i'd always be in tears inside my heart. Moses had that palace as a home before, he was with his brother he was playing with Ramses all his life. They both got into trouble, they had tears and smiles at that place. Moses was taken care of in that place with great love, he was the Prince of Egypt. Moses and Ramses would have fun on the rooms of that palace, or even play hide and seek in that place, they all ate together in that palace... What I'm trying to say is... Moses grew up in that palace, his memories with Ramses was carved in his heart and then in the end, he had to turn away from Ramses. He had to turn away from that 'home' that he once had...no... he didn't turn away, he destroyed it.

When Ramses' son died, he let Moses and his people go; and the scene that really struck me was... When Moses fell on the floor of that palace. He fell on his knees, crying his heart out.

I could imagine the pain he was going through at that time. Remembering all the memories all the tears and laughter, all the love... He was going through such pain. It was against his emotions to do those things to Ramses, his brother...his bestfriend, but he chose to follow the Will of God rather than ease his emotions.

He chose to follow God and bring restoration and healing to his people, and for the coming generations. He chose to follow God rather than follow his emotions. He let go of one important person in his life and it brought joy to millions of people. He chose not to be dictated by his emotions but rather placed his full faith in God even if it brought him great pain and suffering.

But in the end, despite the great pain and suffering he received, God blessed his entire life and his people. It was a short pain that gave him an ever lasting joy.

I can relate to Moses in such a way. I left manila, i left my friends, i left my dreams there, i left a part of me in there. And just like Moses when i transffered here in Davao, I am a new person, at first people didn't like or didn't know me, but now i have a lot of friends here. They may not be as deep as i had in manila, but then again, God brought me here and i do believe He has a great purpose for me...

Even if i am suffering deep inside, even if i have so much pain in my heart, all i could hold onto now is His promise to me. "That He has a great purpose for my life"....

I've been praying for God to release my heart from my friends in Manila. I was wondering why He wasn't answering my prayer, but i remembered that the Hebrews were praying for their freedom for YEARS and i mean years. Hope was taken away from their hearts, and yet, God didn't forget them, Moses had a purpose.

"Pharaoh can take your shelter, your food, He can even take your children, your freedom, and in a snap he could take your very life... but one thing he cannot take away from you, is your faith."

Its not the exact words, but this phrase that Moses said, really spoke into my heart. Right now my Pharaoh is my emotions... my circumstance, my problems. I have no idea how to fix them! and honestly, its hopeless for me. I want to give up, i want to run away, but there is no way out. All i have right now with me, is my faith. My faith, my prayers....

God hasn't answered my prayers concerning of my letting go of my friends, but i do know that he hears me. I mean i've been praying for my unbeliever friends! and slowly they are accepting Christ in their hearts one by one...

Just now, i thought, if i was manila would i be able to share the gospel to these people? Whom God loves so much?... would i even be able to open my mouth to evangelize for God?! I don't think so... Now i could really see that God has a purpose for me in this place after all.

I have the power to go back to manila and be with my friends there and live the way I want to live and be released from this pain, but i'd rather be like Moses and put my emotions behind me and look at the greater purpose God has given me.

It hurts, it is still making me suffer, i don't know if i'll ever get over this, but one thing i am sure of, my faith is in God and He will NEVER let me down...^_^

Errr, First Love??

It's our family fun day in our church today. Had so much fun! Not to mention that we won champion in the volleyball... Though overall we were last... Ahihi but atleast we got 1st in volley!~

Anyway, I was so focused on the games... Until I saw someone who looked like exactly Kyle (not his real name) whom i liked sooo000oooo much in manila. The guy really reminds me of Kyle... The way he played basketball was just like Kyle... Then as I was watching him play basketball, my friends teased me to his teammate, Fritz (not his real name) which I confessed to the whole youth group that i like. I do like Fritz but maybe because of my uber big mouth that spread the word to the whole group, made me just uber distant from him.

I still admire Fritz's looks and his personality, but that's admiration and nothing else. Nothing deeper unlike Kyle.

I've liked Kyle for more than 6 years up until now. He's still the one in my heart, though I didn't get to know him well, but I did have my kilig moments with him a lot of times, and not to mention that he did like me before too! Hahah ironic i say... but then, it is still shallow i know...

Made me just realize that I have never fallen inlove yet.

Though i have never fallen inlove yet, i did have tons of crushes. Like there was even a time where i had a 'Flavor of the month'! it's really funny... But i guess its something about my artistic mind or i am just plain blunt to admit that i do get attracted to the opposite gender everyday (which is the truth with every man/women in this world).

I just realized how shallow i was towards men!XD and to think that i had an M.U. with a few men and to think that was already love! Haha... Anyway... I don't know i think i'm just in this stage into which i seek for the opposite gender's attention.

And oh yeah before i forgot there where other two men whom I had a loong(and i mean years) M.U. with... Haha good thing they didn't know how to court! One of them i almost said "yes" to; good thing it didn't work out or else i would be guilty of having my first boyfriend with a shallow motive or feeling.

I had to admit several guys did court me when i was younger, but now that I am getting older (Man i can't believe i just said that!) no one is even daring to talk to me! Hay...

One more dilemma of mine is, what I like about a guy is his seriousness, and here i am Ms. childish girl who's been always mistaken for an elementary kid. I guess no man would really take me seriously. *sigh* Oh well, guessing its not yet my time...

I have to admit... At times i do want to have someone to court me; but then again God knows best if i can handle it or not. So all i will do now is trust in Him and love Him first...:)

Anyway back to that guy whom I admired for today. He doesn't even know me... Not even by name I believe. I even tried to ask his name! Good thing something deep inside me stopped me from making a great fool out of myself. I really wanted to know him, but rather than make some silly moves, i just prayed for him. I asked God to make a way for him to be my friend; but I am placing it all in His hands. So yeah... He knows what is best for me... :)

I have to admit, I am still immature about this 'men' or 'love' thing... Though one thing i know, I'm still young and I am enjoying my singlehood!:D Though i do want to grow up....^^;;...

So, I'm stopping on focusing on my daily crushes but rather thank God for creating such attractive and wonderful men... :D To not think of attracting the opposite gender, but to be simply being Me..:D I am all free and open now, no guys in my heart, except God and God alone... :) Oh yeah, not open to any courtship neither! Only friendship... Haha...xD

Right now, I am falling more deeper and deeper with God, and i do believe i can find no happiness and joy more than loving God with all my heart...:)